Friday, October 2, 2009
Coping With Fall
Posted by Ivory at 7:15 AM
I used to say Fall was my favorite time of year. I think it still is, in some ways, in all the ways that count. This is a triggering time of year for me, too, in ways that refuse to remain hidden behind the beautiful golden leaves and breezes that kiss my cheeks with a touch of winter.
Fall and Winter were the seasons my abusers came to their cabin. In an area of river cotton woods, deer, coyotes, fishing ponds, countless birds, and the smooth ground a blanket of gold leaves, my innocence was destroyed. My life changed from seeing the world with awe, to seeing it through a cynical heart.
I was reading the latest post from TherapyDoc at Everyone Needs Therapy. She questioned how necessary it is for the abused to "come clean" after the abuser has died and cannot defend him or her self and how would anyone know if the accusations are true. I find it is normal by members of society to doubt abuse first, before believing. They all want to "see" the effects before they feel convinced it happened.
My abuser(s) are dead - or at least I think they are. I hope they are. It was only after the death of one of them that I felt safe enough to name him, that I felt safe enough to admit the pain, torture, emotional destruction caused by this man and his band of demon worshipers - and then it took me another 15 years to say something to someone about it. The "secret" wouldn't hold tight any longer. I had waited nearly 40 years to get it out and I think that is too long to be able to "heal". What is healing, anyway? Coping? Bull. I think healing is when everyone knows and but no one can "tell" that I've been so badly hurt because I have been vindicated, I have been acknowledged as the innocent, and I know that the guilty have been named publicly. People don't want to know, they don't want to be bothered by the result of abuse, so they label "healing" as something that occurs when no one can see the result of abuse. Still bull.
There is no measurement to healing. There isn't even a clear definition of it. Most DID's are good at hiding the result of abuse so everyone believes they are coping, or "healed". Not so. No amount of therapy will make us heal and as for coping, well, what do you consider coping? Is it just another way to push us into obscurity and say we are just fine? I think so. Coping, for me means that I cannot let anyone know I'm not sleeping because I'm reliving those events, I cannot "be" someone else in public, I cannot admit to being severely sexually used in a Satanic ritual, I can't rock anyone elses boat. The world likes to believe that kind of thing doesn't exist - it's easier for them to ignore reality and go about their day as if we all live in a Hollywood world.
Yes, I'm ranting. Sorry.