Friday, October 2, 2009

Coping With Fall

I used to say Fall was my favorite time of year. I think it still is, in some ways, in all the ways that count. This is a triggering time of year for me, too, in ways that refuse to remain hidden behind the beautiful golden leaves and breezes that kiss my cheeks with a touch of winter.

Fall and Winter were the seasons my abusers came to their cabin. In an area of river cotton woods, deer, coyotes, fishing ponds, countless birds, and the smooth ground a blanket of gold leaves, my innocence was destroyed. My life changed from seeing the world with awe, to seeing it through a cynical heart.

I was reading the latest post from TherapyDoc at Everyone Needs Therapy. She questioned how necessary it is for the abused to "come clean" after the abuser has died and cannot defend him or her self and how would anyone know if the accusations are true. I find it is normal by members of society to doubt abuse first, before believing. They all want to "see" the effects before they feel convinced it happened.

My abuser(s) are dead - or at least I think they are. I hope they are. It was only after the death of one of them that I felt safe enough to name him, that I felt safe enough to admit the pain, torture, emotional destruction caused by this man and his band of demon worshipers - and then it took me another 15 years to say something to someone about it. The "secret" wouldn't hold tight any longer. I had waited nearly 40 years to get it out and I think that is too long to be able to "heal". What is healing, anyway? Coping? Bull. I think healing is when everyone knows and but no one can "tell" that I've been so badly hurt because I have been vindicated, I have been acknowledged as the innocent, and I know that the guilty have been named publicly. People don't want to know, they don't want to be bothered by the result of abuse, so they label "healing" as something that occurs when no one can see the result of abuse. Still bull.

There is no measurement to healing. There isn't even a clear definition of it. Most DID's are good at hiding the result of abuse so everyone believes they are coping, or "healed". Not so. No amount of therapy will make us heal and as for coping, well, what do you consider coping? Is it just another way to push us into obscurity and say we are just fine? I think so. Coping, for me means that I cannot let anyone know I'm not sleeping because I'm reliving those events, I cannot "be" someone else in public, I cannot admit to being severely sexually used in a Satanic ritual, I can't rock anyone elses boat. The world likes to believe that kind of thing doesn't exist - it's easier for them to ignore reality and go about their day as if we all live in a Hollywood world.

Yes, I'm ranting. Sorry.


Paul from Mind Parts said...

Your rants are perfectly fine... we're happy to read them. I hope your view on healing turns out not to be true for me. I question it all too. I'm sorry you read something that was invalidating. I try to avoid things like that. But good for you for reality checking it as it pertains to you. Paul.

VICKI IN AZ said...

Take away that apology at the end and this is the perfect post. You must share this in the carnival sometime Ivory.

Your ability to tell the truth has lifted me has inspired me and carried me into a new place. I thank you for that. I am sorry that you had to wait so long.

It doesn't matter anymore that people out there don't believe us or want us to tell.
We can look all around us we are coming together, the pillars and God will use us. Our time will come my friend to tell. He believes us. I know this with every single fiber of my body for which he is Creator.

Thank you for being my friend, Ivory.

Ivory said...


I thought of you as I wrote this. I hope it doesn't dash your expectations of what healing and coping can be for you. I'm spiraling and twirly-gigging and it's difficult for me to reach a commiserate state of mind for the ignorance of society.

I keep reaching, I'm just not finding...

Ivory said...


I have yet to be at the Carnival! I will have to go back to Paul's post and get the link. When he posted it, I thot it a good idea to go there and then life happened and I forgot! Thanks for the encouragement to post, tho. I will check it out this weekend and probably add this post.

Saving Grace said...

My dear Ivory, there is so much I want to say about this post, and even after I leave my comments, I will surely not do your writing justice. But I will try.
"It was only after the death of one of them that I felt safe enough to name him, that I felt safe enough to admit the pain, torture, emotional destruction caused by this man" Of course you didn't feel safe! He HURT you in ways that no one should ever be hurt! Of course you were afraid of him...and if you like me, even though he is dead there are times you are still afraid of him.
"People don't want to know, they don't want to be bothered by the result of abuse, so they label "healing" as something that occurs when no one can tell." I believe this too. That's why I am so adamantly opposed to DBT and the like. You spent so many years knowing no one cared what was happening - that you never talked. Then when you start to talk, and perhaps exhibit behavior society finds "unacceptable"- then you're once again told to "shut up" and it only reinforces what you have always known. No one cares about the abuse? No one wants to "SEE" how it really affects us later in life? It is wrong!
"No amount of therapy will make us heal and as for coping, well, what do you consider coping? Is it just another way to push us into obscurity and say we are just fine?" I feel the same way. Often I feel like it's 1 step up and 2 steps back...and yes, i often say I'm 'fine' becuz of fear of being sent back to DBT, or too the hospital, or given more drugs.
"The world likes to believe that kind of thing doesn't exist.." it's easier for them that way. Kids get F***d all the time, but no one wants to hear about it because it is UGLY! "our" reality-but UGLY.
"Yes, I'm ranting. Sorry."
Never apologize for your feelings. You are not ranting, you are angry and sad, and pissed as hell about what happened to you. You are not raning, you are in pain, and you are reaching out-and I hear you. And I am here, reaching back....and I care.

Saving Grace said...

OK - I'm sorry - This "therapydoc" has pissed me off before! She CLEARLY has NO idea! And I'm so glad she isn't my therapist. I stopped exposing myself to her unintelligent BS - now I remember why!
(you don't have to publish this...I just wanted to say it.
Also, HELLO! "Timing is everything when telling the kids, especially. They want the people they love to be infallible, perfect. (Who wants a predator for a grandfather?. It has to be hard to break it to youngsters when a previously trustworthy family member can't be trusted anymore. So we might suggest tabling the discussion until they can understand what it's all about, if at all possible." Yes, let's wait until "later" - give the GF (or whomever) the chance to F**K up another kid. Seriously?
After reading "her post" - I think your own post was actually really "nice & reserved & and proper" - I would have much more to add.
What a ....! Probably a fan of the flying nun!

Ethereal Highway said...

You can rant all you want. Screw the idiots who want us to be quiet. WE wanted help, but we didn't get it. Why should we give them what they want? I see no reason.

Ivory said...

Gosh, I've never, NEVER, been told I didn't have to apologize until I began blogging. It's a new feeling. I've never been allowed to express myself with out repercussions. I almost didn't say what I did in this post because of that. I didn't want anyone to think I was just being mean and hateful, etc.

This is the first time I've been upset by something TherapyDoc has said and in all honesty, I realize she sees US thru eyes who are not DID. My T has told me that it is very difficult for a therapist to put him or her self in the shoes of someone who is DID. I guess they can't get it right every time.

Thank you so much, tho, for being here. This is a tough weekend - I'm so glad to know you are here. It means the world to me.


Ivory said...

Ethereal Highway,

Thanks for the encouragement, as you've read, this is a difficult weekend, I am taking all the pats on the back I can get. I agree - we didn't get the help we needed at the time. Funny, but I believe that in our world of dysfunction, people should not be afraid of all of us who are in therapy. They should be afraid of those who ARE NOT but should be - such as those who are protected because they are not in therapy so society believes them to be "normal". Sheese! Is that all backwards or what!

Kate said...

Hi Ivory,

I agree. No apologizes. Yeah, a rant, but in a good way. It was a wonderful rant and you said things that needed to be said.

Oh, and I love your new blog design. Good and healing thoughts to you.


Ivory said...


Thank you! I got my hair colored and curled, too!

And thank you your support, very much.


Kerro said...

Ivory - Good rant. Just wanted to say. :)

Ivory said...


Thanks for saying! (and stopping by)


Saving Grace said...

Sunday evening is approaching...I'm just checking in on you -
Hope you are doing ok

Ivory said...


Actually, today wasn't bad, but night is coming... I usually have a session on Mondays after work and this week, I won't. The thot of it is beginning to worm it's way around in my stomach. I probably won't sleep a wink. I kept myself busy today hoping to avoid the inevitable crater, but I'm not sure if it worked.

I am so thankful that you posted. I was sitting here feeling so lonely and forgotten. Do you have anyone you talk to about you that is not a Psy or therapist? I don't have anyone except Mr.S, and it makes me crazy sometimes.

Thanks for thinking of me. It makes me feel better...


Shen said...

Sometimes ranting is exactly what's needed. It is frustrating that people assume, because they haven't lived through it, that no one has. People don't want to know.

On another note, I have not and will not face accuse my abuser. He is eighty five years old and he is still married to my mother... I'm never stirring that pot. Regardless, I have found ways to deal with my anger, grief, and pain and have healed to a point I never would have beleived. It is possible. I'm an adult now and I can take care of all the little ones inside. I'm so glad I know them now.

Ivory said...

You're right, no one wants to know AND they don't want anyone else to know. I'm still adjusting to having others who have desires and needs. It's like waking up one day and discovering I'm adopted.

Marj aka Thriver said...

No need to apologize here, either. This is a smart, insightful, need-to-be-heard "rant!" I'm like you, I feel that fall is my favorite season, but it is also filled with triggers. My main abuser was a teacher and bad things always started to happen when the kids went back to school. This man, who was my "father," was homeless for a while. I am also hoping he is dead.

Thanks so much for your courage in sharing and for allowing us to use this heart-felt post for THE BLOG CARNIVAL AGAINST CHILD ABUSE. I'm so glad you could join us!

Ivory said...


you are very welcome, I had been wanting to post to the Blog Carnival and actually someone in y blog family suggested I post this one.