Sunday, September 20, 2009

Reach Out and Touch

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I was over at Life Spacings Blog and after reading her "Am I Really That Porcelain Doll?" She reminded me of this post that I began a few weeks ago and never posted it. So I've come back to do just that.

In her post of Sunday, September 20th, Amelia questions her ability to feel the pain of others and believes she has become as a porcelain doll, without feeling or the ability to feel others pain.

Mr.S and I went thru this very thing early on in my therapy - several times. I felt as if I were the most awful person on earth because I was so wrapped up in my own self to reach out and make an emotional connection with anyone else. The way he explained it was that my emotions and my feelings are extremely sensitive and he states he can see that I constantly, innately, reach out to others when I sense they are struggling. (as all of my blogger friends do every day) Mr.S believes it causes me to be on overload and so overwhelmed with emotion that I feel as if I'm not connecting - my emotional state actually does begin to shut down. In reality, I do feel other people's pain, and animal's pain, and bird's pain, etc. I feel too much.

I am like the bamboo. Do you know why the bamboo is here?
(it is waiting for the wind to touch it. it is filled with emotions. listen to the sounds and you can feel them. from the movie red corner)

I've wondered lately if by having so much emotion and it subsequently (and periodically) shutting down the whole system, is how I survived. That's what I wrote back to Amelia. I also believe that when we can reach inward and touch our own pain, we heal (there's that word, Paul) and we will have a greater ability to touch the pain of others and to help them heal, too. (I'm not putting a measurement on it, tho)

Just as Amelia, I wanted to get to all the unknown within myself. I wanted to know everything that had happened to me, to Blue, to Smoke (especially), and to the Littles. One day, I got my wish, I'd pushed them too hard; it wasn't pretty. For anyone who is in a hurry to reach that pain, pull back. There is a reason a particular alter has not yet allowed you to remember; trust him or her. Give that alter the respect and space you would give anyone else and trust in his or her judgment. It is painful to have knowledge of abuse thrust upon you when you are not ready. Finding out what I did, when I did, the way I did, set me back a long ways. It was like turning a magical key and POOF! I was propelled back to a time in my therapy of about a year earlier. Darn, that was eye opening.

If you ever have had that experience - of having to go back and begin again, or start at some historic point of therapy - then you know just how far you've really come. I try not to question how normal I am anymore. I realize I cannot live up to someone's idea of what normal is. I have to trust that I AM what is normal for me. I have to be okay with that.

Watch it here.

Diana Ross understands: REACH OUT AND TOUCH (Somebody's hand)

Reach out and touch
Somebody's hand
Make this world a better place
If you can
Reach out and touch
Somebody's hand
Make this world a better place
If you can

(Just try)
Take a little time out of your busy day
To give encouragement
To someone who's lost the way
(Just try)
Or would I be talking to a stone
If I asked you
To share a problem that's not your own
We can change things if we start giving
Why don't you

Reach out and touch
Somebody's hand
Make this world a better place
If you can
Reach out and touch
Somebody's hand
Make this world a better place
If you can

(Just try)
If you see an old friend on the street
And he's down
Remember his shoes could fit your feet
(Just try)
Try a little kindness you'll see
It's something that comes very naturally
We can change things if we start giving

Why don't you
Reach out and touch
Why don't you (Why don't you)
Reach out and touch somebody's hand

Reach out and touch
Somebody's hand
Make this world a better place
If you can
Reach out and touch
Somebody's hand
Make this world a better place
If you can
!

4 comments:

jumpinginpuddles said...

i think the other point of wanting to know the pain is about belonging, in a system where pain has been the backdrop to so many events and you are the one who hasnt experienced it you feel like you dont belong, at least thats how it feels for me.
Thankyou for letting me know i am not alone.

Amelia

Ivory said...

Amelia,

Yes, I have felt that way, too, thanks for adding it for me. I often feel out of place and uncomfortable in my own skin, like an outsider.

Michael Finley said...

I had a feeling of being mean and callous. Someone asked me to forward an attachment and I said it is just as easy for you do do it as I. My therapist was sick. I am not dumb listening and reading of what I was dealing with may have been a contributing factor. I did not care she was sick I just kept doing what I wanted without any feeling about how it might effect her.

It was all about I was important. A most horrible feeling. Felt like I was one of them. Doing what I want without a thought about the effect on others.

Not the I deserve to get paid as I have earned it, I was abused so I need help, if I eat then I can do what I am suposed to do better. Not even that I had to so I could survive. I just "wanted".

I am learning that when ever I have this feeling of want then I run away. That is what I am doing right now.

Ivory said...

Michael,

Sorry this is so difficult for you. I hope you don't have to run too long, really. Sometimes, tho, I have to make it about me or I can't get thru the day.