Friday, September 4, 2009

How'd I know?

You all won't believe this - well, maybe you will understand it completely. As with everything bad in my life, I didn't think it would happen to me.

As I'm happily blogging about how great my therapist is and even thru the last 2 blogs about a bit of insecurity about becoming dependent upon him, I had no clue of what was just around the corner. It is proof that I am too dependent, I am too trusting, and I'm too -- something else (I just don't know what else).

I had a session last Monday. I chattered about all the things going on in my life, good and bad. We discussed several issues. I kept wondering what time it was, but didn't want to look at my watch, it makes me feel rude. Then, Mr.S let the shoe fall.

I was right, he doesn't have time for me anymore, not on my regular day and because I can't come during the day, he let me know my schedule will be a problem. He has changed my regular session time before and it never had this effect. I was stunned. I began to feel like I'd spent too much time at the party. What hurt most, tho, was that I've asked him several times over the past year to let me know when I've been there for 2 hours. He has never told me except when he has somewhere to be or something else to do. He will end the session after 3 hours, usually. When I was trying my best not to fall apart, he made the comment, "Well, really, do we have to have those 3-4 hour sessions?" He didn't say it hateful, but he said it. I feel like a fool.

Maybe his life has become too busy to do special things for me. I wish I'd never confided in him or become so dependent on him. I feel pushed aside because everything else is more important. There isn't anyone else I can go to (small town). I don't think I can do this again. I hate it when I post and every sentence begins with "I".

So as not to give a totally wrong picture, when I had totally fallen apart making a fool of myself by crying, Mr.S told me that he wanted me to give him time to work this out because he didn't want me to think black and white. He told me he didn't want an email from me telling him I wouldn't be coming to my next session (which I usually do, making him call, convincing me to come in anyway).

Am I over reacting? How do I take this in stride? I'm so angry and hurt and confused!

24 comments:

Just Be Real said...

Girl, you are okay. We have been hurt and abused. This is how we react. He should know this! It is okay to be this way. Be angry, I would. Be hurt, I certainly would and be confused. Do not worry about the "I" part, I do it too. A lot of us do it. Glad Mr. S is going to think about the situation futher.

Blessings dear one and thank you for continuing to share, as hard as it may be.

((((Ivory))))

VICKI IN AZ said...

Ivory,
I have missed you.
Change is always so difficult when it surrounds session times and therapist and therapy.
I am so sorry for your anguish.
Thank you for letting us in. Sending you courage and lifting thoughts of believing in yourself.
xoxo
Vicki

VICKI IN AZ said...

Dear Ivory,
I came back because the very next place I went, this is what I found and I want comfort for your aching soul and hope you might find some here. http://amysorrells.wordpress.com/2009/09/04/rain/

xoxo again,(never too many I hope)
Vicki

Ivory said...

JBR,
I am hurt and confused. But something else I do is withdraw from everything, and from the world, as you can tell I haven't even wanted to blog. I just want to fold up and go away.

I have found comfort, tho, coming here and seeing that I still have someone in my life who cares.

Ivory said...

Vicki,
Yes, I'm beginning to see that therapy is sometimes worse than how things were before I met my T. It shouldn't be such a struggle to have someone help (I know that is an empty wish on my part).

Thank you for the link - I went there briefly before coming back to comment and I will go there again. I appreciate your words of comfort, you are a treasure.

Kate said...

Hi Ivory,

First I have to say he could have presented this better. He should have been able to give you several options to choose from and giving you more advance notice, that is normal and okay to expect from him.

Second if he has a time issue that is for him to address. If he wants a certain time limit, that is his job to manage. Therapists manage the therapy hour or extended times in session, not the client. it is perfectly normal to expect that of him.

I'm sorry it hurt so bad. I can understand it. I'm sorry that he was not more tactful about this.

Good and healing thoughts to you.

Kate

castorgirl said...

Hi Ivory,

While I'm so sorry that you feel so hurt, confused and maybe even angry; it's a really normal feeling.

You say you didn't feel this way the last time he changed the session times, can I ask how long ago that was? Was it quite awhile ago? Also remember what you had been talking about before this post - grief regarding your marriage. That's a big area to heal. So you were already probably feeling hurt before the session issue came up.

I hope you don't feel as if I'm downplaying your pain, I'm not. I'm trying to show you that you were already having a rough time before this. So it would make perfect sense for anything to do with the one stable and dependable area of your life (Mr. S) would throw you further than you would like.

I agree with JBR, don't worry about using "I". You are important and you should have a voice in your own blog!

Sending you positive thoughts

Ivory said...

Castorgirl,
The last time my sessions were changed was a year ago when I began working. I was aware my times would have to change so we talked it over. This time it came out of the blue, really. You are right about already feeling bad before he brought that up, but I wish he would have been able to do it differently. I was already down and had just spent 2 hours trying to work thru those problems and he brings up that he thinks I don't need 2 hour sessions. Ouch. Add embarrassment to the other issues already on the table.

Ivory said...

Kate,
Kate,
I agree - he should have presented it better AND there is a separate issue playing with how I feel, too. Of course that didn't help. Why is it that the client always takes it in the chin? I really wish I'd never started therapy. I agree, I think he's put too much on my shoulders as far as the length of my sessions. I've decided I'm going to confront him about that. I cannot work on my problems if I'm constantly worried about what time it is - that's his job (especially since he's put all the clocks where only he can see them).

confractions said...

Am i understanding that your session s run between 2-4 nhours at a time? Also, it seems that they are pretty unstructured around ending? Personally, it sounds to me that there are no clear boundaries, this would bother me but to each his own huh? I don't know what my point was really, I guess I am just surpried about the lack of boundaries and sessions that go over 2 hours, it just seems excessive to me. On any count, I am sorry that you are feeling hurt and dependent.
Tyler

Ivory said...

Tyler,
Yes, my sessions were easily 2 hours until about 18 months ago, he began letting them run into 3 hours. In the beginning, when my alters were coming out and taking over a lot, I needed more time. He sometimes had to cancel his appointment after me because an alter to young to drive was in his office. (he needed me back to drive home.) Those first 2 years were awful but I didn't continually go for 3 hours and seldom for 4. Now, it's almost always 3 hours.

I know that because I have no one to talk to and Mr.S is the only person with whom I can share, I can go on and on but I have asked him to stop the session after 2 hours - he hasn't. I tried a few times to set my phone alarm but I'm worried the whole time someone else will call and interrupt (I usually shut the sound off).

I don't remember that you have been here before, so welcome to my blog. I hope you come back - I'm not always so down.

Paul from Mind Parts said...

I had the rare 3-4 hour sessions with my old therapist. They were always crisis interventions. While, yes, I think your therapist handled it rather poorly, he does have a point about 3-4 hour sessions. I am not sure what use they are in practice. I don't understand why he can't tell you when the 2 hours are over. Is this his need to bring things to finality? Is he working too hard?

Ivory said...

Paul,

My T has had something come up in his life that will take up some time (not life threatening, or the need to be somewhere for any family member or the such), and I think he's just tired of trying to be there for me. Like I said in a previous post, he has made special efforts for me - I'm wondering if he's thinking I'm not getting well, so move on. I don't really know what he is thinking. I am supposed to have a session tomorrow and I don't want to go. Between my job and him I can't handle any more criticism or rejection.

Kate said...

Hi Ivory,

It takes a long time to heal from abuse. It takes a long time to heal when you are multiple. I can't speak for any therapist and what they think and believe. But it is not your job to show huge progress in healing. It is your job to go, talk and listen, feel, do the work of therapy and healing. You do that. I am sorry this is hurting you so much. Good and healing thoughts to you.

Kate

Ivory said...

Kate,
Thank you for commenting. I am feeling so low and like I'm a failure at my own life. I realize that I am thinking I've not healed enough, or something enough. I have been afraid that my T would eventually find my plight tedious and give up on me - that's what it feels like.

Kerro said...

Ivory, I'm really sorry you're feeling so low, but I have to agree with others that he could have handled this better. I'll confess I felt angry at Mr S when he said, "Well, really, do we have to have those 3-4 hour sessions?" What sort of comment is that, for heaven's sake?

If you are anything like me (or most of us, to be honest) then you are hurting terribly inside and feeling terribly rejected. I'm so sorry. I wish I could do something to make the hurt go away.

Hang in there, and take care.

Ivory said...

Kerro,
Thank you so much for caring. It means a lot to me and I've been up half the night not knowing what to do - about work and about Mr.S. I was about to leave home for work and thot I'd stop in for a mood booster. You're it. Thanks.

Grace said...

Hi Ivory, Long time reader, first time commenter...I hear your pain, and it is real. Your T did handle this poorly, and I hear how painful it was to you, and how unprepared you were to hear this.
I, too, have been in a "therapeutic relationship where there were no boundaries. My T used to email me every single night...sometimes at 1am, because I was dissociating and unsafe. She was worried.
Then one day she told me that she was not going to do this any longer, that I was too dependent on email communication and she let it slip that she was in a new relationship. So I interrpreted this that I was being abandoned for a *man* - not a foreign concept to me! And I was devestated. I didn't know what to do.
I'm sorry that this happened to you, and I hope you can find a way to move forward.
I am still with the same therapist. It took a long time to trust again, and I'm still not where I was before, but I have a better understanding of what happened, why she did what she did. And she has admitted to me that it could have been handled in a different way. If you can, try to go to your next appointment and explain your feelings. Your feelings and your perceptions are your reality. He has a duty a responsibility to you, as his client, to communicate with you and to be honest. I hope you find a way to communicate how devestating this was for you. And I hope he hears what you have to say...I'm sorry you are going through thsi. It is so painful. And you have every right to say "I" - say it all day long. You are importatnt, this is your healing, your path, your right to have help, and your right not to be hurt by someone in the helping profession.
Take care and sending you unconditional acceptance and light.... ~ Grace

Ivory said...

Hi, Grace! Welcome to my nightmare, ugh, err, blog.

I cried when I read this - from a connection, not from sad. You really do understand - it is Mr.S' personal life that allowed him to be so available to me and I came to depend on it. It is also his personal life, now, that makes him want to focus on something other than me so much - imagine that. But really, I don't know how I'll get the walls down now, the next time I go in. How did you do it? How long did it take?

Saving Grace said...

Well, I'm not exactly sure how to respond to your questions...my instinct and my heart say this, "I'll let you know when I get there..." To your question of "how long did it take". See, the walls go up and the walls come down. And the reason for that is that there are so mnay parts of me and they all see what happened differently, and they all have different needs (as I'm sure you can relate). The 5 year old NEEDS DT desperately, and when she isn't there, the crying starts and then the angry girl lashes out at both DT and the 5 year old. And there are weeks that will go by when we can "work" on stuff with DT, and we can understand (altho not accept) her "changes" - and there are weeks where we sent hateful emails and cancel appointments.
I can offer this: it is constant negociation...CONSTANT. There is anger, and hate, and sadness...but there is also validation and care. Dare I say, "a balance"? DT promised and offered more than what was 'realistic' for her. She had the time and she wanted to help me. But then her life changed and she didn't have the time anymore. Could she have handled it differently? HELL YES! She basically threw it back on me saying MY expectations were "unrealistic" - I don't know why, other than to say that she is "human" and we all make mistakes.
Your T sounds like he wants to help you and that, he too, promised things that - long-term were not fair to either of you. But the thing that SUCKS is that even tho his life changed, you feel like you are in the same spot and that isn't fair! It isn't! There's no other way for me to say it. He screwed up. I think he realizes that -and from your most recent posts, it seems like he is not only willing, but WANTS to negociate and continue working with you. Based on my personal experience he will not be there for you the way he was...that's a sucky realization - but probably a very real one. And if you move forward...know that you will get past it - and then it will come back - and then you will get past it - and then it will come back.
Vent, reach out for support, cry, scream...talk about how crappy YOU feel - and use 10000 "I" statements - because this is about YOU and this is YOUR healing and really, in reality, he is your emmployee. Meaning you are paying him for a service.
I'm here to listen and I am happy to share my experiences, both good and bad..."life" is full of ups and downs and good and bad - and your "relationship" with your T will be the same. I guess if I were you, I would ask myself, "do you trust him?" - if the answer to that question is "yes" - then maybe you go forward and try to work it out. But you have to be honest with him - share with him how much it hurt you and how much you were shocked. Tell him it sucked and how you felt abandoned. And when you do, don't take his feelings into consideration! (Altho - I would refrain from being "attacking" and mentioning his personal life).
Here to listen when you need me....
Wishing you peace and wisdom and unconditional care... ~ Grace

Ivory said...

Grace,

Yeah, I'm beginning to realize a lot of things, but the walls are up and solid - I'm not sure of anything except that while the walls are up - I often cannot think right. Thank you so much. I might print this and let him read it, or email it to him. You have good insight and from what he's recently told me, he feels a lot the way you do. I just have to get the walls back down and I'm not sure if I can.

Saving Grace said...

Ivory, believe me, I KNOW...and there are good reasons why your walls are "up". And this process is not easy or fun - in fact, for me, it can be so frustrating i want to pull my hair out! It's been over a year since I beleived that DT and I were @ an "impasse" (as they like to call it in the "MHP" world)...and I can take a wall down, and all the while, that angry chick is looking for any "perceived" breach of trust and then we're right back to "DEFCON 5"....
Patience...(HA! I cant beleive I just wrote that! I'm the most impt person alive!) You will know when it feels right...

Ivory said...

I loved this: "... right back to Defcon 5..."! It is so darn true, I am there right now. I'm glad to know it will go away, tho. Thanks.

Saving Grace said...

I can tell you I've been there many times...I'd encourage you to read my blog...but you might find me a bit 'unstable' if you do :+)
I hope you're having a better day...