I had a therapy session last Monday. If you have been reading recently, you know that my T wanted to move my appointment days/times and I freaked. I felt as if he were abandoning me, pushing me away. I don't know why I felt that way, he has changed them before and it didn't bother me. He thinks it was the littles.
Anyway, I freaked. I kept telling him I wanted to go home and finally I did. A few days later I canceled my next appointment. I had a valid reason, but not one that couldn't have been changed to accommodate my new appointment time. I went 2 weeks from my last appointment and during stressful times, that's not a wise thing to do, but I made it. I made it only because I zoned out.
The day I called to cancel last week's appointment, Mr.S said he now wanted to keep my sessions at the normal day and time, we were just going to work on shortening them. I didn't know why, I didn't ask.
So, 2 days ago, I went in for my regular appointment at the regular time - right after work. I was not looking forward to it. I had a million things I wanted to talk about. Nothing came out. Mr.S noticed right away and I became so nervous I nearly got up and left. He kept asking me questions about my daughter's reception and I felt trapped and up against a wall. I was smothering. My emotional walls were up so high I couldn't breath or think. It felt like the first time I ever talked to Mr.S. - I didn't know what to say, I felt sick to my stomach, and I I was afraid.
I couldn't get past it.
Mr.S told me my only task was to work on getting the walls down and that it may take some time to get back to where we were. I don't know if I can let it get back to that, I'm afraid I've shared too much - he knows everything about my abuse. No one else knows. No one. I feel as if I've let him see too much and he's repulsed by it, sickened by it. I feel like a failure at therapy and as if I've paid thousands of dollars to get back to the beginning.