Wednesday, September 16, 2009

Bad Session

I had a therapy session last Monday. If you have been reading recently, you know that my T wanted to move my appointment days/times and I freaked. I felt as if he were abandoning me, pushing me away. I don't know why I felt that way, he has changed them before and it didn't bother me. He thinks it was the littles.

Anyway, I freaked. I kept telling him I wanted to go home and finally I did. A few days later I canceled my next appointment. I had a valid reason, but not one that couldn't have been changed to accommodate my new appointment time. I went 2 weeks from my last appointment and during stressful times, that's not a wise thing to do, but I made it. I made it only because I zoned out.

The day I called to cancel last week's appointment, Mr.S said he now wanted to keep my sessions at the normal day and time, we were just going to work on shortening them. I didn't know why, I didn't ask.

So, 2 days ago, I went in for my regular appointment at the regular time - right after work. I was not looking forward to it. I had a million things I wanted to talk about. Nothing came out. Mr.S noticed right away and I became so nervous I nearly got up and left. He kept asking me questions about my daughter's reception and I felt trapped and up against a wall. I was smothering. My emotional walls were up so high I couldn't breath or think. It felt like the first time I ever talked to Mr.S. - I didn't know what to say, I felt sick to my stomach, and I I was afraid.

I couldn't get past it.

Mr.S told me my only task was to work on getting the walls down and that it may take some time to get back to where we were. I don't know if I can let it get back to that, I'm afraid I've shared too much - he knows everything about my abuse. No one else knows. No one. I feel as if I've let him see too much and he's repulsed by it, sickened by it. I feel like a failure at therapy and as if I've paid thousands of dollars to get back to the beginning.

15 comments:

Saving Grace said...

Ivory, I'm so sorry for the way you're feeling. I can hear how painful it is for you. And I know where you are right now, and I know how much it SUX to feel like you've been betrayed and abandoned by your T. Esp the littles! Stomp your feet and scream, How dare him to do this to us!!! It's okay to be angry - and it's okay to express your anger.
It is okay to feel exactly the way you feel right now. And it's okay to be confused and torn at his changes too.
I'm here if you need to talk and I've been where you are right this minute. I relate to this post so much, it brings tears to my eyes to read how painful ths is for you....
and I'm so sorry....
But, and I promise I'll stop writing after this... you are NOT a failure! You did not, have not, will not fail.
I feel the same way about saying to much and feeling afraid that "they" can't handle it. But my T assures me that is not the case - those are my feelings that I'm projecting onto her because that's how I feel. (just throwing that out there...)
Thinking of you...sending you unconditional acceptance and care
~ Grace

Kate said...

Hi Ivory,

Do you think that he precipitated this? Do you think that he betrayed you and let you down?

I think you are blaming yourself too much. I think that he triggered you all terribly and whether he did that on purpose or not, he was wrong to do the things that he did.

Good and healing thoughts to you.

Kate

fromthesamesky said...

Wow that sounds SO hard Ivory. I'm not surprised you are feeling this way. Hugs to you.

Just Be Real said...

((((Ivory))))

I totally understand and I totally understand your shame......

Yes, it is hard, and yes, it is hard to let someone in with all our crap. That is why our journey's are long to some degree. My t. continues to tell me every time I go that her office is a safe place. Still, I am scared to reveal and even though I claim to be Real, (which I am more real than I ever have), I could be even more Real.

Try not to beat yourself up dear one. You have been hurt, it will take time. Shame is a hard one to dismiss.

Blessings and tremendous hugs to you!!!

Ivory said...

Grace,
Yes, it sux to be betrayed - even to think I have been betrayed is bad. It hurts. I have begun to wonder if I should have started therapy in the first place, it has cost me thousands of dollars that could have bought me a house.

Ivory said...

Kate,
He did not intend to betray me, I know that much. I also know that I'm not the most important thing in his life and that his personal life might sometimes over ride my needs. Doesn't make it any easier. The truth is that all this was caused as much by his wife, as by him. She and I used to be close friends. Now, we are just friendly acquaintances. She does his books and knows who he is seeing. Very coyly one afternoon, she asked me if I was still "busy" on Wednesdays, or was it Mondays. I told her which one and about 10 days later, Mr.S tells me his wife wants that day for him to be home. It may be totally innocent, I don't know. She doesn't know why I'm in therapy, just that I am - that much I'm sure he has not shared with her. I actually don't believe he has overstepped his bounds of client confidentiality. He knows it would ruin me in the community if anybody knew. Still, his wife is not bound by keeping out of my business, as we hang in some of the same circles. It's complicated, so you can see why I try to be understanding - there is literally no one else for me to go to here and I can't afford to travel.

Ivory said...

Thesamesky,
Thank you much. It is very difficult

Ivory said...

JBR,
You are real in my eyes.
It is very hard to be the only one sharing, usually it is an intimate thing between two people. No, wait, this feels like my marriage - I'm the only one sharing. In any case, I hope I get past it quick and can get back to where I was a couple of weeks ago!

Paul from Mind Parts said...

Ivory, I am sorry you are going through this. I cannot help but think that maybe you don't remember that one of the difficulties you were having which you brought up in your recent posts was that your sessions were too long and your T wasn't helping you with time management. I get the feeling, from what you write, that he's struggling too with how to manage things.

I understand the fear of having shared so much and now wondering if that trust was well-placed. And how this conflict got in the way of your being to talk. But I think everyone experiences this at some point when the therapy relationship hits a bump or two. It doesn't mean you are a failure. This isn't just about you. It's about your therapy relationship, which is about both of you.

Hang in there.

Ivory said...

Paul,
Yeah, I guess it is about both of us and he IS trying to make it work with everything in both of our lives. I haven't forgotten I was wishing my session weren't so long, I was caught off guard by the session day changing. I actually reminded Mr.S on Monday that I had asked him several times to let me know when I'd been there 90-120 minutes. He admitted he hadn't done that and said he misunderstood. I'm not sure about the misunderstanding. How much more plainly could I have said it other than, "when I've been here for an hour and a half or two hours, let me know, I can't keep paying for 3 hours." ?

Anyway, thanks for reminding me this isn't the end of the world - it felt like it.

Saving Grace said...

Oh my goodness...it must be a very small town...that puts things in more perspective for me.
I get what you're saying with the 'misunderstanding' - I feel that way a LOT! Like I wear a sign that says, "HERE'S WHAT I'M SAYING - CAN YOU HEAR ME NOW?" and still there's this space, or misconception, of what I said. I don't know, Ivory, maybe they (being the MHPs) spend so much time 'analyzing' us - that even when we say somethin directly, they're still *searching* for that hidden meaning, sort of like we are always searching for that breach of trust...maybe...

Ivory said...

Grace,
Yeah, 25,000 people (maybe a few more). small enough that most people know me or my family name and my siblings, parents, etc. They make connections really fast. My T is basically an outsider, not from here, so he has had no preconceptions about me or my family. I get the always searching for a hidden meaning, tho.

Kate said...

Hi Ivory,

Well his wife by doing his financial records is bound to keep his confidentiality. Anyone who does record keeping and accounting for a doctor, therapist, etc could tell everyone anything they wanted to. This is a professional thing and she is wrong to cross that line. It was not appropriate for her to ask you what day it was you were busy. It was not a good boundary or ethical for her to talk to you like that and to possibly bring it up to her husband.

I can understand you wanting to keep your therapy private. That is your right. I understand you not being able to travel further to see someone else. I hope he can manage to work around his personal issues, as that should not be a part of his therapy with you and these issues are basically his to manage so that you are not being so triggered and upset by these things. I guess I would bring a timer and set it for when I wanted to leave and then leave when it goes off, cause if he wants you to pay for that much time, that is not a good thing.

Good and healing thoughts to you.

Kate

Ivory said...

Kate,
My thots exactly. I've discussed this with him before and he always makes it about HER. I don't care what her intentions were, good or bad, and it's not about what she wanted. When it comes to confidentiality, it's all about me. I really don't know what to do, except he promised my sessions wouldn't run over except in cases of dire need.

Kate said...

Hi Ivory,

I agree with you. It doesn't matter what she thinks, believes, wante. Nothing about her matters or is in the discussion. The issue is you and your confidentiality and his legal obligation to keep it in all aspects of his practice, including anything that has to do with allowing his wife to know confidential information.

I think you are working on this and doing the best that you can. The rest is up to him. I would still bring a timer. That's just me.

Good and healing thoughts to you.

Kate