When have I had enough therapy? This is a question that has haunted me for awhile. There are times I go to therapy knowing I don't really need to be there. It is grounding for me, I find a measure of time and space that keeps me centered and rooted in reality. But is that a good enough reason to keep going? Is it a good enough reason to spend so much money? I don't know.
Last evening after work was my regular session. It took me nearly 2 hours to tell T that I was flooded with feelings of wanting to cut. What I didn't say was that it wasn't going to be just shallow cuts, but deep flesh scaring ones. Something was going on with Smoke and all I could tell him was that I've had a nightmare that didn't feel like a regular nightmare - and I couldn't remember it. I only remember that I was terrified when I woke up and I couldn't even stay awake, something drug me back into it and I can't remember it.
He talked her out. He hasn't had to do that for a very long time. I actually didn't think he could do it any more, but he did. They talked. Now, instead of cutting, I want to draw pictures of colorful, crashing, waves. But could that have been the only session I needed instead of weekly ones?
All this has come up because his life is changing and he may not be able to be here for me at the regular times. He said we would work around it. I already feel like a burden - he makes allowances for me as it is. Actually, I'm like a house pet. If he goes on vacation, he helps me with Plan B, if he gets sick, he calls and we talk things out on the phone, if he is going to be out of town, he makes arrangements with me for my session and gives me permission to call him where ever he is. I just been wondering lately if I've had enough therapy, or at least don't need weekly visits anymore. How do I know?