Tuesday, August 11, 2009

The Perfect Storm

I recently read a post by TherapyDoc about Separation. It really made me think of my life. I'm not sure anything magically slipped into perspective, but it definitely gave me pause. Compared to many people who have been divorced, my adult life has been a Cinderella story. I went to Prom with my husband when I was 14 years old; we married when I was 18,altho we were separated a few years by time and space because of the Vietnam war. I loved him in a way I could never have imagined I was capable of.

He cut his hair, he found a job, he bought a car - just because I was afraid to date the hippie he'd become the 10 months following his release from the army. He treated me like a queen from the day we began dating and until the day he move out, 32 years later. During that time, we never split up, had few fights, and managed to find fun and happiness in nearly everyday life. I never stopped finding pleasure in pleasing him and he was always there for me. We adopted a daughter and found that feeding her was a magical moment every time we shared it. Life was simple and simply wonderful. I'm not sure exactly when he decided it was no longer enough. I've always scoffed at those people who say the wife is always the last to "know". I was the last to know. It was like being frozen emotionally. It was the ultimate betrayal in so many ways.

Sometimes, after bad work day, I get in my car and grab my cell, ready to punch in his speed-dial number. I need to talk to him. I need him to make it all better; I need him to care because he was often the only person who understood me. And then I realize he is no longer in my life - I have no right to expect anything from him, and he doesn't want to hear from me, won't talk to me even if I did call him.

Even after going home and facing reality, I can get lost in thot and want to ask his advice or to know he is here - just to feel secure and safe. The minute I look up, however, I recognize that I'm in my house where he has never lived and has never been in.

When we were first married, we listened to Jefferson Airplane all day, and all night. Every time I hear the following song, a gaping hole in my heart contracts with pain and pushes tears up from places I never knew existed. Interestingly, the way I miss him is not in that I want him back - I would never take him back after all he has done, but I miss the intimacy, the companionship, and knowing I was not alone. He is the only man who has ever been in my life that way. It's very difficult to erase him.

Eventually, he used my feelings for him against me. I got caught up in the whirl wind of emotion and betrayal and didn't notice he was creating the Perfect Storm. Until it was too late, I didn't see that he used money, therapy and DID, every family member, friend, my intelligence, my trust, my loyalty, my fears, everything - he used everything against me, and I never saw it coming.

The worst has been my family. He campaigned against me with them for over a year before someone finally told me. My ex has put me in a catch 22 situation where I cannot defend myself to my family or friends, or undo his gossip or the hate and spite he has encouraged them to plant into every one's mind about me. I don't dare try to explain anything. First, my divorce is none of their business and second, I realize they must be of weak moral character to give so much credence to what he says instead of thinking about what they know of me, BUT if I try to explain, or say anything bad about him it will only serve to prove him right about me. If I wiggle at all, they point and proclaim, "See! I told you she's crazy!"

My life is a raging storm and everyone who get close to me gets caught up in it because of him and I'm drowning in it. I can't breathe, I miss my family, I'm literally all alone and I can't do this all by myself. Sadly, I'm constantly reminded that when he walked out the door 4 years ago, it wasn't only my husband who left - my best friend went with him.

Comin' Back to Me by Jefferson Airplane

18 comments:

castorgirl said...

Please try to keep your head up, you've done nothing wrong. It sounds like you moved through that time with dignity and courage.

Grieving the loss of your relationship with family and friends is painful and takes time. Please be gentle on yourself.

Sending you positive thoughts...

Ivory said...

CastorGirl,

I've heard that before - dignity and courage. Truth is, I have no other choice. I cry so often I feel like a failure at my own life just because I was so tied up in his life that I failed to create one for myself. I hate it. I too often remember what it felt like to be part of someone else's life. I feel half a person. I'm still working on it. Odd, I guess for someone with DID to feel half a person.

I appreciate your concern - it always makes me a little "more than half" - and that's a good thing. Thanks.

VICKI IN AZ said...

Hello Ivory,
I just listened to your tragic story here.
I also listened to this beautiful and haunting song, it is no wonder you like this song so much.
I call this story a tragedy, not to hurt you but to acknowledge your deep sorrow pain and loss.
There are so many things working on you right now. I hope with all of my heart that as you peel back these layers of your story you will find your way to a healing place where you can realize for yourself just how amazing I see that you are. Just how amazing God knows that you are.
Ivory the amount of strength and courage you have to endure this kind of loss is remarkable.
Sending you gentle healing thoughts and lots of Hugs.

Vicki

Ivory said...

Vicki,
My whole life has ended up a tragedy. It's really hard to admit that. Really hard. I feel like a patsy, a pawn. I am very thankful for your kindness - my online friends keep me afloat in my Perfect Storm.

Kate said...

Dear Ivory,

I'm sorry for your loss. You are not alone anymore.

Good and healing thoughts to you.

Kate

Ivory said...

Kate,
Thank you so much for caring, you mean a great deal to me.

therapydoc said...

Oh, this post really hurts. I'm sorry you lost your friend. Maybe he'll come back. Maybe you'll grow out of him by then. That happens, too. I like the song, btw.

VICKI IN AZ said...

Hi Ivory,
Thinking about you today, and wondering if things are better?
Miss you.
♥ Vicki

Mark said...

My heart aches for you. You did what so many people do and that is you built your world around this man whom you love so. When for whatever reason he decided to leave, he took your identity with him, at least that is how it feels. He also managed to put your family at odds with you. Now is the time to dive inward and discover your true self, dig deep below the many layers of the years and re-discover you. For the true you is not defined by your marriage or by your ex. When you do this, you will discover you are and were never truly alone and you will begin to change your perspective which will change your energy. This change in energy will create attraction, attraction of all that needs to come into your life to repair and rebuild. Hugs.

Ivory said...

Therapydoc,
Thanks for the concern and kind words. Truth is, I do need a friend, but betrayal is so permeating it could never ever be him again.

Ivory said...

Vicki,
Oh, thank you so much for coming by to ask how I am! I wish I could tell you the storm is past and life is peachy already. It's not. I went to see Mr.S this afternoon because life has decided to kick me, now that I'm down. I am trying to weather the storm at work and I'm too depressed by recent events of my family to cope well. I ended up crying all afternoon and missing many minutes. I hope I got all my work done. I have the weekend to recoup.

Ivory said...

Mark,

I cried when I read this. First, I am honored that you care. I found what you wrote to be true - I needed to turn loose of the noose, so to speak. So I began to discover who I am. Problem is, who/what I found is more than I can cope with. DID is devastating when you didn't know anymore than having lost minutes and panic attacks. All of which got worse after the separation from my husband. I keep hanging in there - my own tenacity surprises me.

Thanks for the great insight, I appreciate the truth and this one I haven't looked at for some time.

Just Be Real said...

Dear one I feel your pain and I am so very sorry for him leaving!

My ♥ goes out to you Ivory~

Ivory said...

Thank you JBR. Yes, it still hurts. I still get lost in wondering when it all ended and why.

jumpinginpuddles said...

you know clever manipulators always make sure you are the last to know, our ex was the perfect husband on the outside but what was going on behind those doors was so confusing for us, thats why we ended up leaving him

Ivory said...

J I P,
You are sooooo right! Manipulator. I was so stupid because I saw him do it to other people all the time and never once realized he was doing it to me, too. I'm sorry that happened to you, too, it's so devastating - and confusing.

dayodayo said...

I was devastated and confused by my divorce and the custody battle. I am not anymore after 15 years.

I too was it for my family. And my wife. It sometimes was not clear how I was the problom that did not matter.

That I took on the role as both fixer and punching bag was not my fault. That it continues to be an issue and it hurts is not my fault. If it stays that way it will be my fault. Oh bother.

Michael

Ivory said...

Hi, Michael,
I have often wished I could find the exact meaning behind words, symbols, or someone's actions that would push that magical button and I'd wake up from my past. My head tells me that is not logical, but my heart won't let go.

I love what you said about if it stays that way... I wish with all my heart I could overcome my past or at least deal with it. I'm so sorry that you have experienced this. I hope you had a favorable outcome with the custody battle and you have remarried and are happy.