I recently read a post by TherapyDoc about Separation. It really made me think of my life. I'm not sure anything magically slipped into perspective, but it definitely gave me pause. Compared to many people who have been divorced, my adult life has been a Cinderella story. I went to Prom with my husband when I was 14 years old; we married when I was 18,altho we were separated a few years by time and space because of the Vietnam war. I loved him in a way I could never have imagined I was capable of.
He cut his hair, he found a job, he bought a car - just because I was afraid to date the hippie he'd become the 10 months following his release from the army. He treated me like a queen from the day we began dating and until the day he move out, 32 years later. During that time, we never split up, had few fights, and managed to find fun and happiness in nearly everyday life. I never stopped finding pleasure in pleasing him and he was always there for me. We adopted a daughter and found that feeding her was a magical moment every time we shared it. Life was simple and simply wonderful. I'm not sure exactly when he decided it was no longer enough. I've always scoffed at those people who say the wife is always the last to "know". I was the last to know. It was like being frozen emotionally. It was the ultimate betrayal in so many ways.
Sometimes, after bad work day, I get in my car and grab my cell, ready to punch in his speed-dial number. I need to talk to him. I need him to make it all better; I need him to care because he was often the only person who understood me. And then I realize he is no longer in my life - I have no right to expect anything from him, and he doesn't want to hear from me, won't talk to me even if I did call him.
Even after going home and facing reality, I can get lost in thot and want to ask his advice or to know he is here - just to feel secure and safe. The minute I look up, however, I recognize that I'm in my house where he has never lived and has never been in.
When we were first married, we listened to Jefferson Airplane all day, and all night. Every time I hear the following song, a gaping hole in my heart contracts with pain and pushes tears up from places I never knew existed. Interestingly, the way I miss him is not in that I want him back - I would never take him back after all he has done, but I miss the intimacy, the companionship, and knowing I was not alone. He is the only man who has ever been in my life that way. It's very difficult to erase him.
Eventually, he used my feelings for him against me. I got caught up in the whirl wind of emotion and betrayal and didn't notice he was creating the Perfect Storm. Until it was too late, I didn't see that he used money, therapy and DID, every family member, friend, my intelligence, my trust, my loyalty, my fears, everything - he used everything against me, and I never saw it coming.
The worst has been my family. He campaigned against me with them for over a year before someone finally told me. My ex has put me in a catch 22 situation where I cannot defend myself to my family or friends, or undo his gossip or the hate and spite he has encouraged them to plant into every one's mind about me. I don't dare try to explain anything. First, my divorce is none of their business and second, I realize they must be of weak moral character to give so much credence to what he says instead of thinking about what they know of me, BUT if I try to explain, or say anything bad about him it will only serve to prove him right about me. If I wiggle at all, they point and proclaim, "See! I told you she's crazy!"
My life is a raging storm and everyone who get close to me gets caught up in it because of him and I'm drowning in it. I can't breathe, I miss my family, I'm literally all alone and I can't do this all by myself. Sadly, I'm constantly reminded that when he walked out the door 4 years ago, it wasn't only my husband who left - my best friend went with him.
Comin' Back to Me by Jefferson Airplane