Wednesday, August 5, 2009


There were two young missionaries in my home last night. They come often, I enjoy their company. I mostly marvel at their youthful exuberance and dedication. I envy their innocence, but they are also very naive. They asked me that question: What do you pray for?

My reply was that I want to get thru the day. Just get thru the day. That was it. They were floored.

The missionaries cannot get their minds around that because they are trained to see the BIG picture. I smile and think to myself, "Ignorance is bliss." They also don't get it that I won't talk about my childhood or what it is that keeps me from either joining the church or keeps me from admitting God is the bestest God is the whole wide world. I told them I have issues.
In their youthful ignorance, they believe they can heal those issues or at the very least lead me to a place that will heal them. I've noticed, too, that not just their religion, but every organization I've been a member of, is based on a great deal of psychological influence. Such as:

"Do you love your daughter? God loves you like you love your daughter. Do you believe that?"
Oh, please, don't use my daughter against me or my thoughts - it's grounds for getting thrown out of my house.

"If you were bitten by a snake and the only way to heal it was a serum in the form of an injection, would you take it? Then, why won't you reach for God and allow him to heal you that way?"
Okay, here we go - analogies.

"Do you believe there is a God? Do you pray? He just wants you to give him the chance to heal you."
Crap, now they're pissing me off. If God loves me, then why did he just stand there and do nothing? And don't anyone tell me it's because of free will. If we have it, he has it, don't blow smoke up my .... Don't tell me one minute that we all have agency and then tell me God plants stumbling blocks - that's not agency, that's a set up.

I've had a hard time believing in anything but the hear and now. Only what I can see, when I can see it. Nothing is forever. I was born and raised in a strict Lutheran community - they can take that and shove it, too.

Okay, I'm not feeling well - easy to tell, I'm blasting at my favorite punching bag. On a good day - I love to have the missionaries come. They have literally been life savers over the past 5 years, but wow, I just don't want to deal with it right now.


Mollie Elizabeth Johnson said...

I Think You have Very Valid questions my friend. All of which I have asked God my very own self.
Sending you my ♥ and support. ;)
Talk to you tomorrow.

Vicki in AZ said...

OOppss I posted that as My daughter! Hehehe.

fromthesamesky said...

Hmm, that's a fake religion, one that believes in all those cliches and analogies without seeing the real, gritty, questioning, anger, humanness and suffering involved in a relationship with God. There is no 'quick fix' like that.

Ivory said...

Honestly, no harm, I saw your name at the bottom before I noticed your daughter's name. I ask many many questions too...

Exactly. I've tried to get past all that, but it's how I feel. Because I will not discuss this with anyone, especially the 20 year old missionaries, there is no way avoid the usual confrontation. I only told them I have issues I wouldn't discuss is because I expected them to have boundaries and back off of that subject. They didn't.

healingthesoul said...

oh my f'en gawd...I hear you. It's so frustrating when people think that god is the great cosmic healer.

I hate, hate, HATE the free will bull. I won't go to church. I just want to punch anyone who says that bunk in the face.


Ivory said...

You have been abused, betrayed, maybe thrust aside by a bible thumper?

My T tells me that often those greatly abused by life cannot find their way to God, or believe He exists. We believe He doesn't exist for us, anyway. I feel like you, I just didn't say it so eloquently...

Thanks for commenting!

Kate said...

Hi Ivory,

I'm sorry for the bad encounter. Sometimes ignorance can be so hurtful and triggering.

Good and healing thoughts to you.