Saturday, August 1, 2009

Juggernaut

There are similarities and great differences between dreams/nightmares of multiples and those who are not multiple. I thot about listing them, but it becomes frustrating. Instead, I want to address the nightmare from my last post: Dreaming the Nightmare.

This is not the first time I've had nightmares such as this one. I've had them all my life though it wasn't until the last 5 years that I've experienced first hand what they mean and what it means to ignore them and/or try to decipher them. They are a double-edged sword.

All weekend, I've been waiting for the follow-up nightmare. It will come. It will tell me what it wants me to know. It will tell me something I don't care to know. Which ever choice I make in trying to decide how to proceed upon waking becomes a juggernaut, running up and over me in an instant, after following me around for days, even weeks. I freak every time this begins, I can't help it.

The outcome will be the same. It's always the same. First, I dream bits and pieces of a memory I don't know is mine. With each passing day/night, I begin to feel part of the dream as if I'm an extension of it, somehow. Soon, I can't distinguish reality between an ethereal dream and a memory. All the while, I am spending the days completely confused and feeling a pitiful mess. I will do things I know are wrong but unable to process through them. My waking hours will be shrouded in a fog of fear and panic; my nights buried in heart-stopping terror.

Finally, I will full out remember something from my past that tells me I'm damaged and broken; it tells me I was terrified of dying, believing I did die. I will want to die - I never do. I will spend weeks, even months, so ashamed and embarrassed of what I remember happened to me as a child I won't be able to get through a day without becoming dreadfully awash in depression. I will hate my life. I will wish I was still dreaming. I will know I'm not.

In a multiple's life, dreams quite often come true - or rather, they were true before they were a dream...

8 comments:

Kate said...

Hi Ivory,

I have gone through this dream/memory cycle myself. It is awful. I'm sorry you are going through this. I am thinking of you and sending you some lobe.

Good and healing thoughts to you.

Kate

Ivory said...

Thanks for understanding...

Kate said...

Love, not lobe, sorry the printing is so small.

Kate

VICKI IN AZ said...

Ivory,
I am late in commenting on this post, I am here thinking of you and hoping with all of my heart that you will have an easier time as you process these new nightmares. All of my good energy and wishes are coming your way. Thank you for allowing me to know that you are struggling so that I can think of you often.
Please put the blame and anger and shame where it belongs... on those who perpetrated these vile offenses on you. Please do not torture yourself with blame and shame.
You are priceless.
You are Precious.
Take care of those Little Ivorys and those Bigger Ivorys and defend them against this onslaught of shame. You are strong Ivory!
I believe in you as you believe in me.
Thank you for your kindness and support.
♥ Vicki

Ivory said...

Vicki,

Thank you so much. When I know that someone thinks of my struggles, I feel like I have an army beside me. I so much need an army!

Kate,
I knew what you meant AND I think the printing is too small, too. I will go into settings and see if I can puff it up a bit! Thanks for reading...

VICKI IN AZ said...

Hi Ivory,
Thanks for the comment on my wondering...
I will pray with you... Help Ivory and Me make it through the day!

Vicki

VICKI IN AZ said...

Thanks for Commenting this morning on my post. I needed to make a lighter post, trying to follow your great example.
Hey, I read your comment on JIP's post about excuses and I know that you have had contact with LDS missionaries because you told me how much you like them. You said that you had two over last night and they asked you a similar question to mine. I just wanted you to know that I completely agree with what you said over at JIP about another thing that we as Christian's do. I think those questions are presumptive also. My heart is with you friend. I hope what I have said here makes any sense. Write to me about it if you are frustrated or just want to talk.

Vicki

Ivory said...

Vicki,
Makes sense - thanks for bringing it up, and thanks for the offer to talk - I will definitely keep that in mind!