In my previous post about how to know when I've had enough therapy, Kate commented that "there is a dependency" that is normal. I'm very afraid of becoming too dependent. I depend on him a great deal and if you have read my previous post, you will notice that I never mentioned dependency, yet it ribbons all through it. Sometimes, I am afraid of becoming addicted to his generosity, and his giving nature of helping me so much. I depend on him for a lot.
As I've mentioned before, I have no one to talk to about me. I have a few friends but they are pretty much superficial in that we don't hang out much and we don't get in each others business. They are good people, but they have no idea I dissociate, they just don't understand some of the things I do some times. Mr.S will answer his phone if I call when he is busy - just to give me that sense of attached and valued. I can't tell you how much I appreciate that - I depend on that to keep me centered and reality based.
But, I depend on him for so much more. I sometimes need to vent about work, or about a friend, or I need to just sit with someone who understands when I say I can't take one more day of missing minutes, or dissociating while I say things I don't want to say. Sometimes, I need to be angry at somebody, he's usually the target and he helps me process thru it.
I move from day to day knowing he is there and I can always reach him by phone or email. I depend so much on him that I even have discussed the pros and cons of buying the house I live in and whether to join a church. I'm afraid to admit I depend on him that much, but there it is. Is that too much?
And then there are the littles. They tease him, engage him, argue with him and need him. But couldn't they learn to live without him? I don't want to stop therapy. I am just concerned about being or becoming too dependent. I've given this some thought - lots of it. I know that if I stopped therapy, that would not create a situation in which I went out and found someone to tell my secrets to, to spill my heart to, to depend on. I am so confused about this.