Saturday, August 8, 2009

Dejected and Disconnected

Today, my extended family will all be attending a family reunion. I wasn't invited. Normally, it wouldn't bother me, but this reunion I've been trying to catch for 4 years. There's one every year. Conveniently, I never find out about it until it's too late for me to go and then my mother and siblings act as if they're surprised and concerned over why I'm not there.

Yesterday my mother called me at work to tell me that, tomorrow, there was another reunion on her side of the family. She was all about her and she let it slip about the one today. My own mother. And she pretends to care about me, all the while she is telling people things about me that aren't true and making excuses for not inviting me - her loudest one will be, "Well, she doesn't come anyway." She says that because I stay away from her and my siblings. I want to see all my cousins, aunts/uncles, and nieces and nephews, but she is vicious and spiteful. If I won't bend to her wishes, she lies and plots against me to make everyone believe they are included in my "delusional behavior". She has convinced all of them I am dangerous and emotionally disturbed. She has absolutely nothing to back this up except that people believe her because she is my "concerned and caring" mother.

I am crushed to the point of not being able to move. I keep thinking I should get out of bed - I have so much to do but I just want to hide. And the tears - the tears won't stop and there is absolutely no one to talk to. I have literally been maneuvered and kicked out of my own family because I was molested as a child. I feel so pathetic that my only option is telling my blog. I am confiding to people who I don't know and will never meet because there is no one else in my life. I feel like a mistake and as if I don't belong here.

15 comments:

VICKI IN AZ said...

Ivory,
You are not alone!!!
Be gentle with yourself sweet friend.
Thank you for reaching out to us!!
I know exactly what you are talking about, my mom can be just this way. These are tactics used to keep us feeling separated and different. You are not alone.
I wish I could wipe your tears. Rest assured i believe that one day we all will meet. We will all understand the great tapestry which brought us all together.

Vicki

Just Be Real said...

My dear Ivory..... I am so much pained to see how you are treated. I am so very sorry for the way you have been treated all your life for something that WAS NOT YOUR FAULT!!! I am glad that you do have blog friends here that you can at least reach out to that do understand.

((((Ivory))))
Safe hugs and listening

Elizabeth Mahlou said...

Your readers are right. It is not your fault. What is it that makes you think you need your mother? I suggest forgiving her (so that she has no more hold on you emotionally) and moving on to the rest of your life. With time, perhaps she will mature.

Ivory said...

Vicki,
It's taken all day for me to be able to come back here. I have a horrible headache. But - I am thankful for your concern and that you care. Ultimately, I don't feel as disconnected as I did this morning. I try to not let this get to me, but it usually does.

JBR,
You are right. When I have no one else to turn to, you all are here and you all understand. I have never known that kind of caring before. I am truly grateful and think the world of all of you.

Elizabeth,
Hello. I appreciate your concern, too, very much. My mother is a gift from Satan. She comes across as a very loving and caring parent, but she has betrayed me so many times. The hard part about family reunions is that she has poisoned everyone against me - BECAUSE she comes across as such a saint. I am not the type of person to run to each cousin, aunt, etc, and try to undo it all. I always thot that eventually, she would run out of steam. She hasn't. It's not her that I need. I need my family and they have been blinded by her lies and they don't know it and I can't do anything about it because it makes me look worse. Between her and my ex, they have destroyed my relationships with all but a couple of my relatives.

Just Be Real said...

Dear one, I am truly grateful for my blog buddies as well! Helps me get through the day indeed!!!!

VICKI IN AZ said...

Hi Ivory,
Thinking of you.
I sure hope your headache is better.
I wish with all of my heart you were having a better week.
Wanted you to know I care.

Vicki

Paul from Mind Parts said...

Ivory, I'm very sorry that you are being treated like this. You do not deserve this at all. I hope you know that. Paul

Ivory said...

JBR, Vicki, and Paul,

I am so very thankful for all of you - because you understand and I believe you really care. I have finally stopped the tears but they are at the ready and I know I will cry if my phone rings and it's my mother. She will call within a week and brag about how much fun she had and tell me about all the out of state relatives who were there. Well, not this year. I'm not answering it if she calls. I've decided I don't want to hear it. (Hope I'm strong enough to avoid the inevitable "crater" afterward.)

Thanks again...

VICKI IN AZ said...

Hi again,
Just a quick note to say I was thinking of you!
I am with you on not talking to her!!
Talk to us instead.

Vicki

Just Be Real said...

((((Ivory))))

Ivory said...

Vicki and JBR - Really - you two are wonderful. I can't tell you how much I appreciate your wonderful "attention" and comments.

Kate said...

Dear Ivory,

You are right, she is vicious and spiteful.

If anyone told me that their adult daughter was dangerous and emotionally disturbed it would seriously cause me to doubt their humanity, compassion and would seriously convince me that they are the cause of any problems. I don't know for sure what your relatives might think of you after that, but I hardly think that anyone could seriously sustain a belief that your mother is caring and concerned. However some families can be seriously deluded. I'm sorry that you were treated in this disgusting manner.

Good and healing thoughts to you.

Kate

Ivory said...

Kate,
Yeah, people should think my mother is slightly off, but she tells them in a way that sounds concerned about my well-being and then she adds things that makes people feel sorry for her because she is "afraid that she is in danger and just doesn't know what to do about it." I've never even said things in anger to her, let alone be threatening. Oh, well. But I appreciate your comment and support - very much.

woundeddeer said...

(((Ivory)))
I know how it feels to be marginalized and excluded like this by your family. I am so sorry and I really hope you are able to recoup at least one or two family members. Better yet, I pray you find some wonderful, kindred people to make a new family.....

Ivory said...

Woundeddeer,
Oh, I hope so much I find someone (people) who I can be close enough to call family. But there is little hope for my own family. They move as an amoeba, there is no individuality among them, there are no boundaries.

I love it that you care. I need some connection. Thanks.