Sunday, August 16, 2009

Being It

I've been over reading Beauty's blog about being "It". She has written such wisdom in a very short space. I, too, have been "It" all of my life.

I get it when Beautiful Dreamer says that she is "it", because I am it. I have always been "it" - I, too, am the chosen one. The child chosen to take the blame and responsibility and brutality for our family's frustration and dysfunctional short comings. I am "It".


I have willfully allowed my brothers, sisters, and my mother to taunt me, make fun of me, challenge me, and emotionally beat me up. That was my place as the "It" in the family. But that's not all being "It" means to me.

Being "It" means I am also the past; I am, was, and will be the It of my past because when they speak of the past, there is a great part of me they refer to who still lives there, and it's her present. I am many times the past, because I am also it's future. I am all that remains of what that child should have been, could have been, and had the right to be. I am it. I am all of it, everything that remains. I am not whole, but I am many. By the very fact I am alive I am unbreakable, but I am in pieces. Like everything DID, being "It" is a double edged sword.

15 comments:

Just Be Real said...

Dear one I am sorry....
Here listening
((((Ivory))))

VICKI IN AZ said...

Wow Ivory,
This is an amazing post. I am so glad that Beauty wrote her's so that you could tap into these words and and put them out here. You are an amazingly strong woman.

If it's ok for me to ask, how did avoiding THE phone call from her go?

Is this week starting out any better?

Are you able to sleep, or are you still having nightmares?

Just thinking about you and sending you all good thoughts and hopes for what you need in healing and kindness toward yourself.
Hugs,
Vicki

Ivory said...

JBR,
I am so glad you are listening. I have found many moments of comfort knowing you are there.

Vicki,
I want to be strong. I don't often feel as if I am, but I think you understand that, also. I did't have to worry about avoiding my mother's phone call - she hasn't called. That hurts just as much. I probably won't hear from her for weeks and I'm not taking the first step - it always gets me slapped.

I am so surprised you asked about my week starting out better. My family is back in their tiny little "box" in my head, but my job sucks. I am low man on the totem pole so all the junk rolls down to me and it's about to explode this week. I'm not one to toot my own horn, but I'm the only one in our unit with a college degree. My supervisor might have an Associates, I'm not sure, but she is in no way qualified to have that position. I'm miserable, but T says I will survive.

The nightmares have calmed a bit, but they will return just before I remember something I don't really want to know. Thank you so much for your concern. As I just wrote to JBR - I find much comfort knowing you are out there and will hear me...

Kate said...

Hi Ivory,

I understand. I was it as well. They still want to make me be it and I won't let them. They talk to me as though I still am, but I won't agree with them. I know that level of pain, it is huge.

Good and healing thoughts to you.

Kate

VICKI IN AZ said...

Always listening Ivory!
That catch 22 of the "M" will get us every time. GAG!!

Sorry about the job situation, I hope that when it explodes things work out better for YOU!!!
You need a Break Girl!!

I hope you get lots of peaceful nights sleep my friend.
♥,
Vicki

Ivory said...

kate,
I wish you or anyone else, didn't have to experience this kind of pain. But I've got to tell you that I'm glad I'm not alone. I know that sounds awful.

Why is it that family cannot understand and be accepting, even a little?

Ivory said...

Vicki,

Oh I am so scared about tomorrow morning. Everyone is acting like I'm the enemy. The supervisor has called two meetings, the first is at 8:15! But I think I figured out why they are acting odd. My super has been listening to the "tattletale" and to "grumblings" as she puts it and they all think I'm refusing to do something I've been assigned to do. Actually, it's just the opposite - I applied for this job because of what they want me to do, not what I'm actually doing - I don't want to be doing what I'm currently doing! It's such a mess, I don't know what to do to make it better.

Thanks for listening.

Kate said...

Hi Ivory,

It is okay, I understand.

It is like in the Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer animated special when Rudolph and Hermie, the elf who wants to be a dentist, meet and decide to be independent... together. We all need that connection, knowing someone gets us and we are not alone.

You are not alone. Good luck with everything. Good and healing thoughts to you.

Kate

Just Be Real said...

((((Ivory))))

VICKI IN AZ said...

I am sending positive thoughts your way and hugs.
I hope all works out well this morning.

Ivory said...

Kate,
I need a connection to others so badly and the hard part is that I'm aware of it.

JBR,
I feel the (( ))! Thanks!

Vicki,
The mtg went as expected - awful. We got bashed but there was a lot brought out in the open that now can be laid to rest. My coworker (unfortunately the one who trains me) is mad at me. I'm trying to figure out a way to make it better. Thanks for checking in, I'm thankful for you all.

Elizabeth Mahlou said...

I, along with others I know, who have been in this position have finally come to realize -- and with that realization is freedom -- that what others think of us is unimportant. What we think of ourselves and what God thinks of is, now that is important. So, if someone does not want to call (to punish us or because s/he is mad at us or thinks poorly of us), that is not our problem. That is the other person's problem. We can go on with our lives without them, or if they want to be nice to us, with them. They are the ones making the choice, and they are NOT punishing us by not being with us if they do not value us as their equals.

Hang in there and know that you are important. You just did not run into the right people early on who could tell you that.

Ivory said...

Elizabeth,
It's difficult to remember that I was basically kept away from everyone (we all were) because of where our farm was - 30 miles away from the nearest grocery store.

I never had a chance then, to reach out. My marriage kept me "safe" (of sorts) until I needed to reach out. Now, there is no one to reach out to, except my blogging friends. At times, I feel it's to late, other times I know I don't need my family. I wish it would level out. BTW, my mother still hasn't called. I never needed to worry!

Thank you much for your kind words of encouragement.

VICKI IN AZ said...

Hey Ivory,
That is a great tool of abusers, isn't it, keeping us away from others so that we feel different, isolated, alone, and unworthy.
THESE ARE LIES!!!

I was wondering if God has kept your M. from calling, in order to provide you with some safety friend? Just a thought.

Sending you Hugs and ♥
Vicki

Ivory said...

Vicki,
Well, again, you hit the nail right on it's tiny itchy head. I've believed for many years that God sits back and has a laugh at letting my mother be hateful to me and sabotage me, and manipulate me. Besides, from what I've heard, He cannot interfere, so he cannot make my mother not call. No, she would call if there was any pain to give me.

I don't know if God's had anything to do with it, but I think having my blog and my blogging friends is what is giving me some safety!

you're a gem,
Ivory