Thursday, July 23, 2009

Who Am I Without Them

I remember once nearly shouting at Mr.S that I wanted my alters to go away. I finished off with, "I hate them!" I was so stressed and I wanted nothing more than to be "normal",
like everyone else. I didn't want to be burdened with a part of me who didn't know her place.
They are part of my emotional being and I learned real fast that they augment every feeling I experience. They disappeared, just as I had begged. Well, not really disappeared. They were still there, they just refused to take part in anything. The gaping hole they left in my life was astounding!
I know everyone is different, but to an extent,


I bet you can relate when I say that my Colors (alters) play a major part in my daily emotional experience. Without my Colors, I was an emotional wasteland and it was only a day or so before I wished them back.

I want to be normal so badly that I sometimes create a situation for my Colors in which they can not be comfortable or feel wanted - the very thing I try to avoid for myself.

There is a lesson to be learned in every situation.






6 comments:

Just Be Real said...

Sweetie, I hear you about desiring to be normal. Hopefully, as we grow we do learn through our journey positive steps to take. I know it is painful, no doubt, but there is an awesome award of freedom just waiting for us one day!

Paul from Mind Parts said...

Acceptance is really hard. I find your post really helpful to me. I can fully appreciate the conflict about wanting them to go away and then feeling empty when they do. So, we have to find a way to collaborate and move forward together, which is the really hard part. Thanks for posting. Paul

VICKI IN AZ said...

Ivory,
I love to read your writings. I love to know the Real YOU! Keep it up girl. You are awesome!
♥, Vicki

Ivory said...

JBR,
I'm beginning to believe that "normal" for me is never going to be anything except this. In all honesty, my "normal" isn't so bad compared to some others... Thanks for your input!

Paul,
Thanks. I haven't found a way to "collaborate", so you can imagine my frustration at hearing about how others can "communicate", "talk", etc with their alters. I'm not a bump on a log when it comes to decisions and things, but I'm not aware of communicating with any one of the specifically. So, yes - moving forward is difficult.

Vicki,
Thank you for the wonderful encouragement!

Kate said...

Hi Ivory,

At first communicating seemed so impossible. But then it became loud. Now it is conversation and it is wonderful. They fill my life with so much love and joy and healing.

Do they talk in therapy? Do they write notes to you or you to them? Do you hear any words or thoughts or emotions that you don't think are yours? Those are some ways that helped me.

Good and healing thoughts to you.

Kate

Ivory said...

Kate,
Yes, they have talked in therapy - right down to having their own sessions. There have been only a few notes from them, lots from me. The only "communication" I know for sure is thots and emotions that are theirs. It is so frustrating.