Monday, July 13, 2009

Not Over Yet

A friend and I recently called it quits. She has personal issues, all of which add up to worse than DID, believe it or not. Anyway, I don't really know what happened except she ignored me for 2 weeks and then sent me a very mysterious email about meeting at her house so she could inform me of something.

She was very evasive and since she has a history of attacking me (she physically attacked me at work one day), I asked if she would mind coming to my house. She exploded with accusations, most of which were irrational, and tho I kept asking her what was going on, she was out of control and I finally just stopped emailing her. I called her twice trying to find out what had happened and what was wrong - she wouldn't answer the phone, or call me back.
All I found out was that "it" had something to do with her and her husband's finances.

I was sad and distraught for weeks over this.

Yes, she has issues, but who doesn't? We always seemed to get past them and I thot we were close enough to weather anything.
I got over it and dealt with the pain of losing the only friend I had left, and then... I got an email from her daughter.

My email address was in her daughter's contacts and she emailed globally, I was not chosen specifically. Her email was to notify everyone of her new email address. No harm, no foul, I just shrugged it off as her not remembering my name was there.
Two days later, an email came from my (ex) friend's address to me - and to every other email address originally on the first email from her daughter, meaning all her daughters friends and family.

(My friend's daughter doesn't like her, they never get along because my friend is so controlling. I know her well enough to recognize in her email back to her daughter that she "professes too loudly" several things. That was my first clue she really meant the email for me.

I tried not to email a response, but I did anyway I just didn't send it globally like she did. I basically told her I would not play this game - that's how she deals with problems, she writes letters to people.

I am crushed. Again, all over, I am crushed.
Is it too petty? I can't help being hurt over this. Totally devastated. Why is it that when people no longer want me in their life, they can't just walk away? Why do they have to turn around and try to destroy me? My ex-husband did the same thing. In all honesty, I am shocked I've reacted this way, I don't know what to do with it.


Just Be Real said...

Dear one I am so very sorry.

Being that you know the situation better than I and your readers here, you said that your "friend" has personal problems worse than DID. It is the sickness that is talking and doing all that you have encountered. Unfortunatly, we as humans, do have feelings, and a lot of the time do get hurt easily, even unintental.

You have every right to feel devestated and hurt!! You cared about her! It will take time to grieve over this. You can only wish the best for her and that her problems will sort out.


thesamesky said...

I'm not shocked that you reacted the way you did Ivory - shocked at this person's behaviour, but not at you. It is a totally understandable reaction given what she is doing to you - it is not surprising you are feeling so crushed and hurt.

Gah - how dare people treat you this way? It's not fair. All I can think is that it demonstrates your ex-friends lack of understanding (dare I say insanity?).

Well done for responding in the way that you did and saying that you won't put up with her rubbish.

Paul from Mind Parts said...

I think you did the best you could. You really have to walk away from this. It's toxic. Paul.

VICKI IN AZ said...

Thinking of you.
I am sorry to hear about this stress in your life that you don't need. I hope that sharing with all of us will help lift this burden.
I am just wondering what is this really triggering for you?
You deserve to be treated with respect Ivory, Don't forget that.

Ivory said...

Yes, she has a lot of issues that she used to see a T for but has since stopped going because she used her time with him as a sort of social interlude, instead of working on her problems. Part of her problem is her husband. He's not really a "bad" person, they were both raised in a strict German Lutheran enclave, as was I, but they bought into it. I don't mean the belief of God, they bought into the social mess that organized religion can often adhere to. You know, she waits on him hand and foot, and he plays golf EVERY day.

You are right she is VERY toxic. I am patient and I can put up with just about anything, but, I just can't take it any more. It's beginning to hurt too much.

Yes, sharing does help. I almost didn't because I don't want to post such negative stuff, I just couldn't help it, tho, I feel as if I'm drowning.

Missing In Sight said...


I agree with what Paul said. You just have to walk away. It was a dysfunctional relationship and not healthy for you.

Do take some time to grieve. It might take time to "get over" this, but stop and take time to learn what you can, such as why, as you put it, people have to try and destroy you instead of walking away and leaving it there.

{{[[[[[ IVORY }}}}}}}}}

Shen said...

I'm sorry you've had to go through this. I could completely empathize as I read. It seems I am often drawn to people who have issues like mine, or worse. I think I forget that people with issues will sometimes be irrational and hard to understand, or go back on their word or misunderstand me, because I get hurt over and over again when things go sour.

Sometimes I guess we have to decide if the relationship is worth the aggrevation, and also, remember that it isusually not about us at all.

Ivory said...

I thot I had walked away. She sort of reached out from no where and had to slap at me again! I will never understand it. What surprises me is that I thot I was finished grieving, but I guess not, what with how freaked out it all made me.

I find people with issues, too. I'm beginning to thing that everyone comes "broken" to an extent, anymore. My problem is that my relationships are never about me - always about them. I hate that (makes me sound like I'm whining, I know).

Kate said...

Hi Ivory,

I'm so sorry that she feels a deep need to inflict further pain on you. It is okay to stop seeing her, though I understand how much that hurts.

She is unworthy of you. Someone who physically assaults a co-worker and friend deserves to be fired and does not deserve to keep that friend.

I hope that you can ban her email from getting back to you, as that is one way of preventing yourself from seeing something you can't read. I have gone through this as well and know and can see how much better my life has gotten the further away I have gotten from abusive friends and closer to good friends.

I'm sorry for the pain. I know how hard this is. Good and healing thoughts to you.


Ivory said...

Hey, Kate!

I thot I had walked away, that's why it hurt so much. I hadn't see or talked to her for about 3 months so this all came as a surprise. You are right in that I was feeling better w/o her in my life, I guess I just have to start over and not let my guard down.