I can't even begin to tell you how many times I've had to call Mr.S after watching a scary movie. Watching these kinds of movies is actually a type of self harm.
You wouldn't think so, but it is. I sometimes use them to scare myself into hiding, or to remind me what happens when I trust.
If I had never been traumatized or abused, I think I would still watch suspenseful, fantasy, and drama movies, but because of my past, they have a greater meaning than simple excitement and/or pleasure. I have been using them to find pieces of my lost past, things I cannot remember. I've also been using them for "flooding". I was not aware of it, tho, until Mr.S became frustrated with me having to come in to see him, yet again because I'd watched a movie, read articles about rape, and/or about children being tortured and/or killed.
Sitting in his office smothered with self loathing, intense fear, and awash with tears, I cried even harder when he angrily asked me why I do these things. I don't know why I do them. Sacrificial movies terrify me and I don't sleep for days, yet I don't miss a second of it. I rewind parts of it to drive home certain aspects of terror. I don't know why, I only know I need something from it - I just don't know for sure what it is I'm looking for.
Mr.S finally told me he thinks I'm flooding. All in all, he meant I'm reliving some of the triggers over and over, until I become desensitized to them and they no longer are so devastating or controlling. Maybe. I do know that I often watch movies that include satanic ritual because I don't understand it, I don't know why it would happen or what the worshipers are trying to achieve. I was part of one, and I want to know why and I want to know what they are really about.
As a child, I ran terrified from anything resembling ritual, but I'm an adult now and I can understand. I just can't find anything that makes sense to me. I'm beginning to believe the "rituals" are just cover ups for an adult male wanting to have sex with a pre-pubescent child and using gullible others to help him.
I hope they all burn in Hell.