Friday, July 17, 2009


I can't even begin to tell you how many times I've had to call Mr.S after watching a scary movie. Watching these kinds of movies is actually a type of self harm.

You wouldn't think so, but it is. I sometimes use them to scare myself into hiding, or to remind me what happens when I trust.

If I had never been traumatized or abused, I think I would still watch suspenseful, fantasy, and drama movies, but because of my past, they have a greater meaning than simple excitement and/or pleasure. I have been using them to find pieces of my lost past, things I cannot remember. I've also been using them for "flooding". I was not aware of it, tho, until Mr.S became frustrated with me having to come in to see him, yet again because I'd watched a movie, read articles about rape, and/or about children being tortured and/or killed.

Sitting in his office smothered with self loathing, intense fear, and awash with tears, I cried even harder when he angrily asked me why I do these things. I don't know why I do them. Sacrificial movies terrify me and I don't sleep for days, yet I don't miss a second of it. I rewind parts of it to drive home certain aspects of terror. I don't know why, I only know I need something from it - I just don't know for sure what it is I'm looking for.

Mr.S finally told me he thinks I'm flooding. All in all, he meant I'm reliving some of the triggers over and over, until I become desensitized to them and they no longer are so devastating or controlling. Maybe. I do know that I often watch movies that include satanic ritual because I don't understand it, I don't know why it would happen or what the worshipers are trying to achieve. I was part of one, and I want to know why and I want to know what they are really about.

As a child, I ran terrified from anything resembling ritual, but I'm an adult now and I can understand. I just can't find anything that makes sense to me. I'm beginning to believe the "rituals" are just cover ups for an adult male wanting to have sex with a pre-pubescent child and using gullible others to help him.

I hope they all burn in Hell.


jumpinginpuddles said...

want to know soemthing we also are drawn to ritual movies not because we need anymore shit in our life but because we want to try and understadn why us, it never shows it but we cant help it non the less

Kate said...

Hi Ivory,

I think too that most people watch that kind of stuff and read that kind of stuff. For a survivor there is a huge internal need to understand why and sometimes it is in awareness and sometimes it is unconsciously driven.

It took me a long time to realize what it was doing to me and decided to stop some of these behaviors. And even longer to find safer ways to understand and take care and comfort myself. It is normal for it to take some time to figure this out for each individual. You have awareness now. That is a huge thing.

Good and healing thoughts to you.


Ivory said...

I'm sorry that you are like me in this way, it can be so triggering. I think sometimes, I find little things that trigger me and if I make it thru it, I put that piece into memory and just a couple of times, I've actually been able to use those little things to reach some part of a lost memory. Still, for what little I gain from it is not worth it. I just can't stop it. I hate to admit that I am so enchanted with those types of movies I cannot avoid them. That is why it is a type of self harm - I experience much pain if one of them triggers something that I cannot get myself out of. Still...

I was not as astute to realize what I was doing! T had to tell me, but still, I keep doing it. I used to try not to watch bad movies but the pull is so great; I feel like an alcoholic, it is that bad. And, yes, I desperately want/need to know what type of ritual it was (more so, what they intended to accomplish), I do have a great need to understand as if by understanding, it will make the dreams and demons go away.

Thanks to both of you for your support.

VICKI IN AZ said...

This is an incredibly helpful post to get me thinking about why I am drawn to certain things.
That is such an incredibly strong need and desire to know why!
I hope you will find relief by telling and helping others by telling this. Maybe you can spare yourself.
I have some ideas of why they do this.
You know, my theories.
First there is a woman her name is Grace, her blog is on my blogroll, It is called forbidden topic. I am telling you it has been the most helpful for me on this subject. Another one is Blooming Lotus, so very helpful. These women have dedicated their lives to helping Survivors be Thrivers.
Another one is Survivors can Thrive.
Hope that helps.
I have other theories that have to do with the twisting of religion. Let me know sometime if you want me to tell you these ideas.
Take care Ivory,

Ivory said...


Thanks for the info about the blogs, I will check them out. It may take awhile because sometimes, the blogging/reading I do makes things worse because I know it's real and not a movie. I have to be careful here.

Thanks again!