Sunday, July 5, 2009

Empty Nest

My daughter was here and spent the night of July 3rd with me. I am always happy when she visits, but this time, I couldn't help but see how far out of her life I have become.

I expected it years ago. I thought I was prepared for it. When it actually happens, tho, it's like being slammed into a moving truck. She has grown up wonderful, conducts herself in such a way to make any parent proud, and she's associated herself with good friends and a good fiance. In other words, she has her own life, that no longer includes me.

She sometimes distances herself from me, I think, so that my DID, divorce, and issues brought on by those things don't bring her down. I understand even that because she has had her own share of the pain because of it. I never wanted my problems to become her issues, but in a way, they did anyway. She is the only person (other than T) in my life who has not walked away from me in the last 4 years, literally, the only person. But by virtue of growing up, she she will, as well. That is as it should be.

I think when a person's only close family member dies, a survivor grieves and gets on with life. Other people step in and fill familial roles, keeping the survivor included and involved.
When people are faced with someones emotional survival, tho, they turn their backs quite often, even when there is no danger and there are no requests. Part of the healing process for someone with DID involves not only the children we once were, but the siblings, the parents, and even friends. But, when everyone leaves, but still lives, there is no way to grieve and move on. (it's called coping, but I never seem to move on)

There is a part of me who still needs acceptance from my mother, I need inclusion and interaction from my siblings, and I would like to have a friend who doesn't lean on me so heavily that I cannot support us both.

...and I'm not in church again this morning, it has been months.


Just Be Real said...

Dear one, you are grieving.

You may think you are not, but you are. I always now question what I am going through, and yes, I can now admit that I am in the grieving process in my journey but moving on. You can to dear one. In your time.

Also, when you are ready, you will go back to church when it is your call. Do not feel guilty about not attending. The Lord knows your heart, and you do not have to be in church to prove this now.

((((safe hugs))))

jumpinginpuddles said...

we felt pain for you in this blog, awful pain, we ahve no words only support from so far away, wishing we could be that friend to you.

castorgirl said...

I agree with Just Be Real, it sounds like you're grieving. This does not mean that you're daughter will stop having contact with you, but rather the nature of that contact will change.

You describe her as a daughter to be proud of, remember that as you go through this process. Think back on the good times and consider the new opportunities the changes in your relationship will bring. You will always be her mother and that will always make it special.

Take care...

VICKI IN AZ said...

Sending you sweet thoughts.

Ivory said...

Yes, I am grieving. Thing is, I've grieved most of my life, I wish it would end. My daughter growing up is just one I can't deal with so easily.

Thanks for the wonderful sentiment, and for understanding.

Yes, my relationship with my daughter is changing. I must be grieving because I often wish I could "go back" and have her sitting on my lap and reading her a book. It is sooooo hard to give them up!

Thanks for thinking of me, I feel comforted every time someone sends a comment. Knowing someone else cares is new - and nice.

Kate said...

Hi Ivory,

I believe that you will find friends online who do not walk away from you. And if they do, I know because I have gone through that, there are new ones wanting to come in and be friends as well.

Good and healing thoughts to you.


beauty said...


I don't do the grieving process very well myself, so I can relate to this post.

As for not being in church, could you have parts who are not Christian? I do, and it makes for quite an on-again off-again relationship with God. When I can't reach out to Him I just bide my time, knowing it will happen when the time is right. And I also find my way back to Him (or should I say, He always manages to woo me back?)

Ivory said...

I had never thot of it that way. I go to church and I think I've found my way and then I don't go for months and don't know why not. It's beginning to freak me out and my friends at church are beginning to think I'm a bit flighty.

I'm going to have to think about this some more. Thanks for the insight!

Missing In Sight said...


I'm sorry I didn't get to your post earlier. I can really here the lonliness and pain coming through your words.

I know about having people in life leaving because of not being able to handle my diagnosis or me not being a friend that can be there all the time.

I am fortuanate that I have a good husband who is my world. I don't know how I would survive or cope without him.

I feel for your pain.


Ivory said...

Thank you so much. I thot I had a good husband, but when it became about me (for just that few months), he could't take it. I have since discovered that he is very narcissistic, so I guess it makes sense.

I very much appreciate my online friends, tho, who are always here when I need someone.