Monday, June 8, 2009

Tuscan Chicken

.Last Tuesday, I went to the sandwich shop for lunch. I meant to buy a Tuscan Chicken (roasted, with cukes, lettuce, and tomatoes) and take it back to the office. As soon as I settled in line, I noticed my brother was in line ahead of me. I haven't talked to him in 4 years. Before I could make a hasty exit, he swooped up to me, put his arms around me and announced to the whole shop that I was his sister. (This from a man who told me I was better off dead.)

Within a few seconds, he began talking about my mother's birthday party and told me I should come. He made me believe they all wanted me to come. I cried. He left after promising to phone me with the details.
Later, the Tuscan Chicken sub dropped to the bottom of my stomach and exploded with a vengeance.

My brother called me back on Wednesday. I kept telling him I didn't want to come to the party because I was not ready to be around all of them as a group. My mother's party is about her, not me. Something I didn't tell him was that I had gone to my Plan B therapist Tuesday after work, driven there by the confusion and panic seeing my brother had brought. Believe it or not, Plan B T has no idea I have DID, I have not yet shared that little bit of info with him, nor has my alters. He knows only of depression and panic attacks and he knows about the issues with my family. Anyway, on Tuesday he had helped me come up with a plan for avoiding the party. My brother called right after that.


I was at work when my cell rang and I didn't think it would take long to express my wishes and get off the line. Fifteen minutes later, my work phone was ringing for the second time, my eyes were swollen shut from crying, and I wanted my family back - soooo badly, but I had held my resolve and declined. After work, I called my Plan B T and talked to him again, just for strength. Then, I bought my mother a gift and went by her house.

When Mom saw the gift, she knew I was not planning on attending the party. She pleaded and when that didn't work, she told me that my bro was excited because he was sure I was going to join them. I said he knew I wasn't coming to the party because I had told him I wouldn't come.
I told her I had to consider what I needed, not what they wanted. Then she dropped the King of Hearts: She may be dying.

I didn't know what to do. I knew she was using that as a way to force me to go to the party, but I also knew she had been waiting for the test results.
And then, before my head cleared from the previous blow, she told me of a dream my father shared with her three days before he died. He dreamed that he heard someone knocking on the door. When he opened it, a young woman stood there who looked just like me. I had been letting wayward tears fall for the last few minutes but this brought out the gusher.

My mother had found the most sensitive nerve and pinched it.
I left after telling her I could not come to the party. I left feeling as if I'd made yet another miserable mistake. I left several lost minutes of time there, and I left knowing that my family would find a way to make me pay for not honoring my mother on her birthday.Small wonder I don't trust, when it takes so little to hurt me.


Ivory
.

6 comments:

Kate said...

Hi Ivory,

I'm sorry that they put you through this.

I don't think that it was easy for you to be hurt. You have a lot of pain there and they were obviously using that against you, manipulating you, coercing you and making you feel like the bad one who does wrong things and that it is all your fault.

Well as you know it is not your fault. Your mother was incredibly emotionally abusive to you as a child and adult. She has done nothing to deserve your love, devotion, and honoring.

We survivors honor our parents as much as they deserve and often more, not less.

They seem to be bent on glossing all the abuse and pain over. Your brother said cruel things to you and now he wants to pretend there has been a reconciliation without making any effort or words or gestures even to apologize for the cruel ways he has treated you. I can relate. Me too. Well you don't have to pretend things are okay.

I'm glad that you went to the t and were able to get some good advice. I understand about trust. I have the same issues.

Good and healing thoughts to you.

Kate

Ivory said...

Kate,
I shudder to know another mother is like mine. I will never understand how to get past someone who acts like there is nothing wrong - when EVERYTHING is wrong, even when she is confronted. I just don't get it.

Thanks for caring, it is appreciated.
Ivory

Missing In Sight said...

Ivory,

I'm so sorry that your family is not respecting your wishes and that your mother is using emotional blackmail to undermine your effort at recovery.

I've only recently started following your blog, so I don't know the whole story regarding your family; otherwise, I might have more feedback.

Stay strong and take care.

Rebecca of Missing In Sight

Ivory said...

Rebecca,

I think my story can be read on every DID blog. I am finding that I am not alone. My mother never cared for me, for whatever reason. I have repeatedly tried to earn her respect and I've hoped and prayed for her to love me, but nothing works. She is a master at manipulation, I wish my 4 siblings could see it. No matter, I feel unloved and abandoned, I can't shake it.

Thanks for caring, it means a great deal to me!
Ivory

Vague said...

sad :(

Ivory said...

Vague,

Yes :( very very :(
It is hard to get past this.