Well my T is back and I saw him last Monday. Tuesday, I cratered and took out the whole frustrating 2 weeks he'd been gone - on him and my daughter. Oh how stupid can that be? Anyway...
Mr.S sometimes tries to minimize differences of feelings and behavior between DIDs and "normal" people by telling me, "That's not so far off of how other people feel." Or, "That's how most people feel about that, it's a normal way to feel." The first time he said it, it pissed me off and he explained that sometimes he can de-escalate my rising or uncontrolled panic by using that as a way for me to compare. I can see that.
So he uses it from time to time. I've learned to stop (sometimes) and check the severity of how I feel and how I should feel, by whether I think other people might feel like ripping the paint off the walls, or total helplessness over petty confrontations. Sometimes it works. Monday afternoon, tho, he told me that along with, "Well, it looks like you made it."
I dont' know what I expected him to say. I'd been in a horrible mood for days (which isn't really me, most of the time), and I'd just survived the confrontation with my brother. I felt as if I'd survived WWIII. I think he minimized it too much, I don't know. Really, he didn't say anything that should have or would have upset me, but I left there feeling like I'd been ambushed and blasted.
Realize here that sometimes this happens to me and it's not T, but some issue that I can't get to the surface to talk about or something I'm not aware about that doesn't get discussed and I leave upset without knowing why.
Tuesday, I argued with my daughter over the phone. It was petty and totally, well, just stupid. Then sometime Tuesday night, I cratered completely. I didn't sleep well and sometime during the early night, I got up and blasted them both with an email that makes no sense, just blasts back at them. Darn.
So I spent yesterday trying to find a way to apologize and hoping my daughter would answer if I called. I was miserable.
I was somewhat redeamed by T when he sent me an email back. He tried to assume some responsibility for my bad behavior. He said he thinks maybe a Little was triggered by something and they don't always come to discuss it but make the whole system agitated and angry. Maybe. Anyway, he was very understanding (as usual) and promised we were take care of things next Monday. I feel vindicated - somewhat. I called and left an apology on his phone anyway.
Later after work, my daughter didn't answer the phone but called me back within 5 minutes (thank you God) and we ended up having a great conversation. I apologized to her, as well - many times.
But, I guess I don't get it - the whole thing. I took things out on them that weren't their fault, or their problem, really. I apologized, they (and I) think it was a blip-vert or a brain fart on my part of DID and they think it's now all okay. Why am I left always feeling like I've just been patronized, or patted on the head? I'm not angry with them and the whole thing at least defused some of the angry frustration I have been experiencing, but I feel as if I've been patronized.
Next post, I'll try to explain the reason for the email. As usual, I was trying to get a point across and I failed miserably at it. It's one that I have tried over and over to explain and they don't get it. I'm hoping my blogger friends will understand what I'm trying to say and maybe even help me say it in a way that T and my daughter will understand.