The journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step.
I learned to to sign that small phrase with American Sign Language. Lately, tho, I have been thinking of what it would be like to live somewhere else. I've never been anywhere else.
For a few years, I lived in a different state, but other than that, I've never lived outside the county I was born in. My family is well known here but once my family abandoned me, I now have no friends. My last friend went by the wayside a few months ago (her issues, not mine for a change). My daughter says it's my intelligence. She says I have a way about me that other people find difficult to contend with because it makes them feel stupid. It's not intentional. She often tells me I need to learn to "dumb it down". At work a few weeks ago, a coworker got upset because I used words she didn't understand to describe a situation with a client. The very next day, I got an email from my supervisor telling me to... dumb it down. I was shocked but I've since tried to be a dummy at work. Anyway, I don't see me being any more intelligent than anyone else.
How smart can I be if I've locked myself up inside of myself for all these years? Back to the journey. I have spent many hours thinking about where I would live, what would I do if I found another job and moved far away from everything I've ever known. For several years, Albuquerque will suddenly pop into my head for no reason. I've been thru Albuquerque on my way to Carlsbad Caverns several times. I don't know anyone there and I've heard it can be a dangerous place to live if you don't know anyone.
On the other hand, I've wondered if part of me knows all about Albuquerque and I'm about to disappear. I have a passport, another name, another phone, and the cash on hand to disappear. There is no one I'm attached to here, or anywhere, who would wonder in a few days where I've gone. I could be gone for months before my daughter realized it because we don't really talk that often.
Truth is, I could be gone and not even know it. This is my worst fear.
Most of my life, I have lost minutes and hours. Now that I'm grown, I can't remember much of my childhood but I don't think I was gone for it, it is just too scary to remember. I am literally so unattached to the world and people that I could disappear and no one would notice, ever. I feel like I'm disposable, expendable. This isn't just a passing phase, I feel this way all the time - even happy times.
Honestly, if I were to choose a place to live, it wouldn't be Albuquerque. I wouldn't know how to decide, or how to pick somewhere to go and I have a passport screaming to be used. I'm rambling so I'll sit down and shut up now. I'll probably delete this before its published or soon after. Okay, zipping it shut! Wow, the euphoria of the previous post didn't last long....