Saturday, June 13, 2009

Journey of a Thousand Miles

The journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step.

I learned to to sign that small phrase with American Sign Language. Lately, tho, I have been thinking of what it would be like to live somewhere else. I've never been anywhere else.

For a few years, I lived in a different state, but other than that, I've never lived outside the county I was born in. My family is well known here but once my family abandoned me, I now have no friends. My last friend went by the wayside a few months ago (her issues, not mine for a change). My daughter says it's my intelligence. She says I have a way about me that other people find difficult to contend with because it makes them feel stupid. It's not intentional. She often tells me I need to learn to "dumb it down". At work a few weeks ago, a coworker got upset because I used words she didn't understand to describe a situation with a client. The very next day, I got an email from my supervisor telling me to... dumb it down. I was shocked but I've since tried to be a dummy at work. Anyway, I don't see me being any more intelligent than anyone else.

How smart can I be if I've locked myself up inside of myself for all these years? Back to the journey. I have spent many hours thinking about where I would live, what would I do if I found another job and moved far away from everything I've ever known. For several years, Albuquerque will suddenly pop into my head for no reason. I've been thru Albuquerque on my way to Carlsbad Caverns several times. I don't know anyone there and I've heard it can be a dangerous place to live if you don't know anyone.

On the other hand, I've wondered if part of me knows all about Albuquerque and I'm about to disappear. I have a passport, another name, another phone, and the cash on hand to disappear. There is no one I'm attached to here, or anywhere, who would wonder in a few days where I've gone. I could be gone for months before my daughter realized it because we don't really talk that often.

Truth is, I could be gone and not even know it. This is my worst fear.

Most of my life, I have lost minutes and hours. Now that I'm grown, I can't remember much of my childhood but I don't think I was gone for it, it is just too scary to remember. I am literally so unattached to the world and people that I could disappear and no one would notice, ever. I feel like I'm disposable, expendable. This isn't just a passing phase, I feel this way all the time - even happy times.

Honestly, if I were to choose a place to live, it wouldn't be Albuquerque. I wouldn't know how to decide, or how to pick somewhere to go and I have a passport screaming to be used. I'm rambling so I'll sit down and shut up now. I'll probably delete this before its published or soon after. Okay, zipping it shut! Wow, the euphoria of the previous post didn't last long....

ALVINNNN!

Ookayyyyy!

15 comments:

Paul from Mind Parts said...

Wow, this is a hard post. But really courageous. I don't know about the dumbing things down. You really have the right to be yourself. I know it's hard not to focus on the negatives, but you do have great qualities and are motivated to understand yourself. I think that understanding or attempt at understanding will allow you to be more connected to the world and people in it. So, I don't see anything to be gained from moving. I would pick yourself up and keep going on your journey. You've made it through the first 1000 miles, and the next can be different. Paul.

Just Be Real said...

"Dumb it Down" very interesting phrase. You do not want to do that, because you are who you are, do not change that!! I am so very sorry your childhood is so haunting. I do pray you do find the peace on your journey dear one.

Glad I caught this post before you decided to say bye bye to it. You will never know if it was meant to be that you move on, unless you try dear one.

Thank you for sharing. Blessings.

Anonymous said...

I live in Albuquerque, the high desert and I love it but it's very special and unique so it doesn't appeal to everyone, especially if you like green and water.

And we are really part of the United States so you won't need your passport to visit. You don't have to move here but it is a nice place to visit.

Ivory said...

@ Paul,
I totally had something else in mind to write about and I still can't remember it! Thank you for the encouragement. I don't know why, but even when I think I can't go on, I do. Sometimes, I don't want to go on, but I do. Thanks for caring.

@ Just Be Real,
I'm not good at being me. I don't really know who ME is, yet. There is so much chaos, but I am so very glad I have my blogging friends. These past 2 weeks would have otherwise been unbearable.

@ Anonymous,
:)... I like green and water, but I like New Mexico, too. On vacation once when I was married, I think we even spent the night in Albuquerque. I like the natural state of things and how genuine the people seem to be - is everyone like that there? Thanks for visiting and for giving some sunshine my way.

Kate said...

Hi Ivory,

I have gone through the same thing with co-workers, except they just complained to me. It did effect me and I did start using less words in my work vocabulary. I thought it was incredibly self-centered of someone to complain and very unaccepting. I think it is normal to learn new words by hearing others talk or by reading, but I guess others don't feel the same way. I'm sorry that you have gone through that.

I understand about feeling cut loose from your family and geographic area. I feel that too. I am seriously considering moving to another state. I love to travel and so I wish I could go everywhere and hope to be able to do more of that in the future.

I think that since an inner has not moved away, you are more grounded and in charge since you are healing, aware of being multiple, and going to therapy. I hope that you can talk to your therapist about this.

Good and healing thoughts to you.

Kate

Ivory said...

Kate,
My T and I have talked about this so many times already. Part of me always wants to run when things get rough. Several times, I've actually been on my out of town, packed, before I came back to me. I have not completely run away and T says I am not experiencing a true fugue state. He believes it's just the way my littles know how to handle the pressure. It leaves me frightened and worried.

I have always wanted to see the world, too. Or at least the U.S. I've only been to D.C., South Dakota, Texas, Iowa, New Mexico, Arizona, Colorado, and Nebraska. A couple of those are "drive throughs"! I would love to see Georgia, Virginia, Maine, and well, all of the other states.

Thanks for caring.

Kate said...

Hi Ivory,

I can understand how that would leave you feeling frightened and worried. It might take some time for them to feel safe, but you are healing and it will happen.

I have been through about a dozen states. I loved Kentucky, Tennesee and Florida the best so far that I traveled to.

Kate

Just Be Real said...

I understand dear one. If it was not for blogging friends.....

Missing In Sight said...

I know the feeling of wanting to get away. For me, it has always been Charleston, South Carolina. The location may change, but the issues are still there needing to be worked out.

As far as disappearing and no one knowing, we, as in the blogging community, would miss you if you stopped blogging.

I don't have any great pearls of wisdom, but I can read the pain in your post and it makes me sad for you.

And keep rambling. Be real. Be yourself. If rambling is all you can do, then great!! We're listening.

Missing In Sight

Ivory said...

@ JBR,
Oh, god, I am so naive! I thot I was the only one!
So sad that you, too, understand it. :-(
Many hugs for sharing that.

@ Missing in Sight,
Have you ever done it? Gone away, I mean? Just disappeared? I'm terrified (because of past threats by alters) that I will "wake up" 5 years from now and have a different life! Just terrified of it.

Cat said...

Amazing. I have heard (not confirmed) that those with DID share a higher intelligence. I have a feeling that when this forms in early age, it is for survival and we have all learned "survival of the fittest". Doesn't this give you a feeling of strength and power? It does for me, when I really think about it.

I'm amazed at how many feel they are "broken" and need "fixing". Healing is a good word and I often talk about me being on a "journey" toward healing.

Maybe in this life we are here to teach others and you having this intelligence is a super way to share. Don't dumb it down too much, but keep in mind that there are times that others cannot grasp what you are saying. Focus on the social side of things in the hopes that while you discover new things about them, you can also discover new things about yourselves :)

Just a few suggestions from my experiences. Glad you didn't delete this, I really enjoyed your post!

Ivory said...

Cat,
Hello. Thanks for stopping by and sharing this wonderful insight!

I don't feel smart, or any more intelligent that anybody else. I can usually tell when I've just talked over the top of someone, yet I feel very outside of normal intelligence. Not above it, or more than it, but not knowing the normal stuff - like streetwise or understanding normal stuff.

I have never thot about the power of it - and I'm wondering now if that is what Mr.S has tried to explain when he says something like, "It takes a very intelligent and imaginative child to learn to dissociate to survive."

Thanks for the food for thought! Hope you come back. If you have a blog and would like to share, post it and I will find you!

jumpinginpuddles said...

ooooo is tyhat the same as thinking too much, people have asked me to not think between a meeting and seeing them because then my questions get deeper.

And you cna always come to australia being smart is ok over here in fact its rewarded LOL

Ivory said...

JIP,
I'm beginning to wonder about that. I know people don't like when I ask questions because often, they can't answer them. Maybe that's what it is with you, too. Maybe we are both too smart for them!!! (I really have never thot about this...

Australia is the one place I would very much love to visit. Thanks for the invite! You are actually the only person I've ever talked to that lives there (I'm assuming you live there.) I have no life. :(

The Beehive said...

I've actually been thinking a lot about this recently... My therapist tells me all the time that people with DID are much more intelligent than "normal" people - that's why we were able to split our mind into 'sections' or personalities when we were being abused. She also said that since we use more of our brain than the normal person, we are more intelligent in that aspect too. I am constantly told to "dumb things down" or to "use smaller words" etc. It used to be embarrassing for me because I didn't realize I was even doing it - it just seemed normal. Now I find it to be reassuring.
I also think I know so many words because me plus all of my splits (alters) are hearing several new words a day and then we all start using them. It's all very interesting to me - even though I experience it every day. Sometimes it just doesn't seem real...