"She acts as if it doesn't matter."
That's what I thot the 2 times I've seen some one who had been raped. That was many years ago. The sight of those carefree women still haunt me and the idea of being that carefree is forever in my mind. I want to feel that way. I want to spend at least one day without the presence of the memory of of it. I'm jealous.
Not long into my therapy, I was deep into a pity-party and T was trying to explain how/why those women have moved past their fear and pain to live as they have a right to, when I blurted out, "Why can't I do that? How do they just wake up one day and poof, it's all better?" I felt like a raging idiot.
Since that day, we have discussed forgiveness many, many times. Not the forgiveness that every one believes is telling the bad guys it's okay, because it's not okay. Not the forgiveness of saying it doesn't matter, because it does matter - a great deal.
He's tried to explain to me the forgiveness that allows me to forgive myself for carrying the burden of shame, fear, hate, disgust, and the myriad of other negative emotions, and the forgiveness that allows me to unburden the child I was back then and let her grow up. Have I done that: kept her (them) at the age when they were treated so badly and invasively? Have I kept that pain close to me because that's what kept me alive? Have I forbidden myself to forgive for fear of losing that pain?
It's what I know, I know how to do it. I don't know how to let it go, but at least I'm aware of it. At least I think about it every day along with the fear and pain.
I'm hoping that one day, I will think of the forgiveness and I will be that woman who walks along as if it doesn't matter because I will have gotten thru it and moved past the horror of my childhood.