I just want to visit something that from time to time, I find running through our blogs like an unseen ribbon. It's about predators, of course. I'm beginning to wonder if, because of our histories, our mindset is too skewed to spot a true predator, or if we believe everyone is and go from there. There is a recent post that has really made me think about this.
I just finished reading a post on Reasons You Shouldn't Fxxx Kids. The point was that she is sure everyone IS a predator. I would have reacted the same way she did in the situation she describes.
When I first learned about my DID, I couldn't get my daughter out of my mind. Day after day, my thoughts raced thru her childhood trying to detect anything that I might be able to say was inappropriate behavior by a family member or by a stranger. I know now that it is usually someone the child knows, so meetings with acquaintances of ours around my daughter as a child played unbidden on the projector of the theater I call my mind. It (and I) was relentless. At the time of this obsession, my daughter was 23 years old. I had spent nearly every day of her life with her until she was 14 years old, there was a lot of footage to examine.
One day after leaving therapy, I was exhausted with the movie I continually saw running past my thots as I attempted to determine if this person, or that person, or this time, or that time... I had to stop it, I had to know if my daughter had ever been molested. My days and nights were filled with brooding about it. So, this particular day, I picked up my cell and I called my daughter. My voice was filled with the tears I'd cried during my session over this.
"Hi, mama!" She is always glad to have me call.
"Did I keep you safe?"
"Mama?" My daughter was then quiet and I'm sure she anticipated the worst.
"Did I keep you safe, sweetheart? Did I keep you safe when you were growing up?"
"Yes, Mama, you kept me safe." She is so perceptive and after a bit of a pause, she added, "I love you for it Mama."
I had to hang up. Tears flooded my eyes and my heart! I was so relieved! That night, I slept soundly for the first time in months. Every once in a while, I need reassured I've done my part and I will call her, at work, at home, anywhere, I don't care where she is, and I ask only that question: Did I keep you safe?
It's very important to me (obviously) to know that I somehow changed the course of my own history by preventing yet another innocent child (my own) from being molested. To be able to protect her, I needed to see everyone as a perp, yet, I didn't know that's what I was doing.
Bits of my childhood are a mystery, yet I was hyper vigilant around my daughter as a child. I never even wondered why, that's just the way I was. She grew up safe, feeling safe, and knowing I would protect her at all costs. I'm blessed that she never resented me for being around. Our house was the "go to" house for her and all her friends. I made it fun, and I'm honored that all her friends liked me and included me in most of their activities.
Yes, she grew up safe, but...
Next post, I visit what this way of thinking has cost us both, meanwhile, check out the post that inspired this one.