Friday, May 22, 2009

The Whole of Me

T is leaving for 2 weeks. :(

I don't know what to do. Usually, he just tells me to call if I need to but he is going so far away, I can't call. I am trying not to freak out, really, but it's not working. I was happy reading up on the blogs I've neglected the last few days, I love to read them. But as soon as the web pages go down, so do I.

It's not just that Mr.S will be gone. When I get stressed or afraid and I can't control it, Smoke comes out. She feels what I feel and it frightens her. T said she told him the o
nly way she can be free from the torment of my emotions is to cut me. Darn it. And I was doing good in that area. Mr.S says she is the one who feels abandonment the most.

Well, I feel like he'll be gone forever, I feel like he is going to be too far away. I'm afraid he will not come back, or will come back sick. I'm afraid that when he sees how much fun life is without me coming to his office, he will tell me not to come anymore.

My head tells me to calm down and I can trust him. I believe him when he tells me he cares enough to ride this thru with me, but my heart tells me - it's just a matter of time... But then, sheesh, he's only going on vacation, 2 weeks. Piece of cake. Not.

And there it is. Trust. As much as I trust Mr.S, if I could measure it and give it all to him, he would find a tiny, tiny, little speck that remains stuck to me, because I just can't give it all to him. My daughter is the same way. I trust her with my life, really, but there is that little speck of trust that I keep that prevents me from trusting totally.
That darn little piece of trust I keep to use as a whip to beat myself with, or that piece of myself I keep because it is the faulty part and not worthy of giving. Yes, that's it. I keep the blackest piece, the piece I cannot let anyone see. It is the broken piece, the rotted piece of me. The piece who sees the world thru rainbow colored glasses and refuses to let down her guard, no matter the cost. The piece who looks for God in every face and never finds him. The piece who wants God to be in every face and refuses to see Him.

I keep the little speck of faulty, unworthy, black, broken, rotted, guarded, lost part of trust that seems to be the whole of me.



Missing In Sight said...


This reminds me of a post I'm going to make later. It's from an affirmation book and it reads,"The world is only as dark as the glasses I wear."

Easier said than done, but try to let it go and put your full trust in him. Recovery is so difficult, if not impossible, without doing so.

Stay strong and take care.

Missing In Sight

Ivory said...


Thanks for the encouragement. I tried not to post any negativity like this today, but it quickly over ran my good intentions.

I will follow your link back later and read your post.


Kate said...

Hi Ivory,

Therapy and healing is about finding trust. This is a process. If you could give that much trust, if you didn't feel that way about yourself, you would not need therapy. He understands that. He knows and he is willing to earn your trust.

We are all not on the area of our healing path that we want to be. But we are working towards that. It is okay to be wherevery you are.

Good and healing thoughts to you.


Ivory said...


You are right. I just always have the feeling that I can't do anything right so I try to give more than I can. Vicious circle, and it doesn't help that he is leaving for 2 weeks. It's difficult.