Thursday, May 28, 2009

Tryin' To Say It

After reading posts of some of the blogs I follow, I realized today that we may all have something in common – other than DID, ritual abuse, sexual abuse, etc. My parents were not my abusers, but...


I have never confronted my mother.
I have never spoken up and told my mother how I feel about her. I pretend everything is okay and I do what I want especially when I know it will p!$$ her off. Outwardly and directly, I'm afraid of going against her and afraid of what will happen if I demand her respect.




I’ve never told her she has treated me like the “step child” (that is a phrase my brothers and brother in laws use to indicate being treated badly). I have never asked her why she couldn't love me.


I tried a couple of times.


What baffles me is that she acts like nothing was said, totally. Trying to have a conversation with my mother is like trying to step on a cockroach; she can change the topic of a conversation before I can blink. As soon as she detects words she doesn’t want to hear, she begins talking. Loud, and long, just to ignore me. If I persist, she acts like I’ve just beat her with a pain stick. She whines and acts like she's now so weak, she just won’t be able to stand up to walk to her chair, she is old – she reminds me. She acts that way if I speak any kind of reality, then she tells everyone I'm harassing her.


So, I give up and leave. I’ll never try to defend myself again, she twists everything I say and as soon as I leave, she calls my siblings and other extended family and tells them embellished fantasies about what I said or did. All to make me look bad.
I will go to my grave, tryin' to tell her, tryin' to say what she refuses to let me say. It will never be said.


Next: More of Mother’s Toxic Behavior.

4 comments:

Missing In Sight said...

Ivory,

Serious topic, but first let me say I chuckled when you wrote that she acts like you beat her with a "pain stick." Pain stick. Funny.

I've tried talking to my birth mother. I don't call her "Mom" because she just wasn't a mom. But anyway, my abusers weren't my birth mother or father either. I remember when I was fourteen I tried to tell my birth mother what so-and-so- had been doing to me when I was younger and her honest to goodness resonse was, "Well as long as it's not happening now."

I still hurt over that comment.

I will never have the relationship with her that I want, so I just take what I can get. when I'm with her I pretened I love her, call her "mom", and bite my lip. Because of her construct, I can not be authentic.

You have many quotes on your blog regarding forgiveness. Is that something you can do with her and her behavior? Just something to think about.

Missing In Sight

Ivory said...

Missing,

Thanks for commenting!

The usual saying is "beat him/her with an ugly stick." That didn't fit. I should have put "whiny stick". that fits better.

I love my mother, but it has never been returned. When I'm with her, she brags of all the things she knows will upset me, for instance: She had given me Durable Power of Attorney, but when my husband filed for divorce and she saw me cry (because she said something hateful about me), she told everyone I was crazy and 2 weeks later, I got a letter from her lawyer telling me I was no longer DPA. She didn't even have the decency to call me.

Three years later, I screwed up the courage to ask her why she did it. Her answer was that since I was crazy, she was afraid of what I'd do to her with all that power. At that time, she only knew I was in therapy - she didn't know why. Even now, she only knows about the PTSD.

She talks about what the "rest of them" are doing with her money accounts and then complains. Then she sarcastically reminds me I'm no longer "involved" by saying, "Oh, don't worry, I can trust them."

Yes, I have forgiveness stuff all around me. I'm hoping something will jump out at me and make sense. I'm searching for a God to help me and a God to make it better. I figure the more inspiration there is around me, the less chance I will forget to try.

Kate said...

Hi Ivory,

My mother was an abuser, so I have a different circumstance there. However it sounds like you are a lot like me, you told her, you tried your best, she knows exactly what you are trying to say and that is why she is trying to drown you out. She sounds pretty guilt-ridden to me. Good. I hope so.

Getting divorced and crying does not mean you are crazy and financially scurilious. How pathetic of her to treat you like this.

I know how it feels to want a mother's love. She is unworthy of you.

I think that whatever abuses she goes through at the hands of those she has entrusted her power of attorney to, she deserves it!

Good and healing thoughts to you.

Kate

The Beehive said...

I've tried to tell my mom things as well... My parents weren't my abusers (with the exception of my father constantly verbally abusing me and sometimes physically abusing me). But my mom just doesn't want to believe that I was abused - I think because it means that she "didn't or couldn't protect me". Sometimes I wish she could just listen to what I have to say and then believe me - not just because I am telling the truth, but because I am her daughter.