Wednesday, May 13, 2009

Things I Don't Say

I go every Monday evening to my T's office. I pay a small fortune to sit there trying to say things I need to say - and never say. I wonder if there is a therapy just for that.

Tangent should be my middle name. When my Colors get wound up or have a purpose, my mouth works overtime and I can talk about anything at least twice as fast as I can think it. I sit there listening to my voice going off about all kinds of things but never talk about what I need to.

Sometimes, I just forget what I went there to discuss, other times I begin to talk and immediately, I know that I have "lost" the thought all together. That's what happened this past Monday. I may as well have not been there for all the original issues I brought to the room. T even tried to help coax it out, but it only worked once.

Sometimes, I just need to feel "normal". T is the only person besides my daughter who I can talk to about me. All day, everyday, I don't talk about me - ever, so it is a relief to finally get to talk about alters and Colors. Yet, sometimes, I refuse to discuss alters and Colors (tho I don't say that's what I'm doing) and I talk about work, or a wayward friend, or about movies/books, or sometimes I pull him into verbal ping pong. All that is what I think normal conversation might be. What I wouldn't give to be "normal". The great thing about T is that he never makes me ditch the tangent banter, forcing me to relive some ritual, or other traumatic even from my past. I'm grateful for that, but I never say that, either.

There are so many things I never say.


beauty said...

It's great that your therapist never makes you ditch the tangent banter. This may be a wobbly theory at best, but I bet that when you're ready to talk of other stuff you will.

We who live in the aftermath of abuse have a hard time finding our voices. We have a hard time giving ourselves permission to speak, period. Sometimes I don't feel as if I have the right to talk about something as mundane as the talking about the big stuff is going to be that much harder.

It may not seem like much now, but it's good you have your T and your daughter to talk to about yourself. Things will change, sooner or later, and you will find your voice, and others who will want to listen to your unique truth.

Ivory said...

I can't even imagine telling anyone who knows me that I have DID. I sometimes have no other voice except the one that talks about mundane things, so, yes, I'm very thankful for my T. He usually knows when I need to be someone other than the person who comes to him with DID.

Hillary_C said...

Jumped over from BTC for this topic. Today I brought a list entitled "Things I have been avoiding talking about this month"
Managed 2 of the 5; did them first (after much agonized-silent-head in hands). Then did the tangent topic - acknowledged that I was STILL avoiding topic of the day (parents visit tomorrow).
So, every time is a chance to get to some of those things we "haven't yet said". Good luck to us all.

Ivory said...

I usually write a list, then forget it somewhere. Or I get there with it and an alter has scribbled on it (nonsense) or colored on it. I can't win for losing...

Thanks for visiting!

jumpinginpuddles said...

we often have banter in therapy its our stress release from so many things

Kate said...

Hi Ivory,

I think that inane conversation can be as healing as anything else that happens in therapy. I have no studies that prove that, it is just a theory of mine.

If you can't do ordinary things with anyone in person except for two people, perhaps you can do that with some online friends or if you don't have any online friends, just know that they are there waiting for you.

Good and healing thoughts to you.


Ivory said...

No, I don't have any online friends. Not that I don't want them, I'm just so wary and it is extremely difficult for me to trust. I'm giving it a try, tho.

My daughter insisted I start a blog. She actually got me started and is going to help me with re-doing my blog page - she is truly wonderful!

Kate said...

Well I think having a survivor blog is a great way to start meeting more people who can understand and be supportive.

I only started my blog recently as well. I'm glad you stopped over and look forward to reading your blog and catching up with your archives now.


The Beehive said...

Wow this describes me in a nutshell! Pretty much everyone who knows me knows I talk...A LOT... But it's usually just a "cover up" in a way, so I don't accidentally say something I really need to. It's bizarre and totally frustrating, and it usually happens when I am in a session with my therapist. Only problem is, I don't think my therapist knows that..unless she does know and just hasn't told me that she knows. Thanks for posting this though. I'm glad I am not alone, but I'm also sad that someone else is not able to say the things they should.