I go every Monday evening to my T's office. I pay a small fortune to sit there trying to say things I need to say - and never say. I wonder if there is a therapy just for that.
Tangent should be my middle name. When my Colors get wound up or have a purpose, my mouth works overtime and I can talk about anything at least twice as fast as I can think it. I sit there listening to my voice going off about all kinds of things but never talk about what I need to.
Sometimes, I just forget what I went there to discuss, other times I begin to talk and immediately, I know that I have "lost" the thought all together. That's what happened this past Monday. I may as well have not been there for all the original issues I brought to the room. T even tried to help coax it out, but it only worked once.
Sometimes, I just need to feel "normal". T is the only person besides my daughter who I can talk to about me. All day, everyday, I don't talk about me - ever, so it is a relief to finally get to talk about alters and Colors. Yet, sometimes, I refuse to discuss alters and Colors (tho I don't say that's what I'm doing) and I talk about work, or a wayward friend, or about movies/books, or sometimes I pull him into verbal ping pong. All that is what I think normal conversation might be. What I wouldn't give to be "normal". The great thing about T is that he never makes me ditch the tangent banter, forcing me to relive some ritual, or other traumatic even from my past. I'm grateful for that, but I never say that, either.
There are so many things I never say.