Saturday, May 23, 2009

Things I Don't Say 2

This has been buzzing around in my mind for some time, now. The other things, or at least more things I don't say when I'm in session with T. Now that I realize there are many things I don't say, I'm worried that I should.


Don't tell me that I'm not so atypical, abnormal, or different from anyone else. BS. We both know that isn't true. I bet all the people who are not multiple don't stop talking in the middle of a sentence and wonder who was the person talking.


I never tell you how many times I take pills. I'm afraid to. I'm afraid you'll take them away. I'm embarrassed to say that since the last bagful you took, I've already replaced them, with more dangerous ones. Not because I tried to, they just sort of happen.


At those times of year when Blue is close, I starve myself. I want to cut, I want to burn. I've never told you that about the burning, but maybe you have guessed because you know that Blue burned the scar where I was repeatedly given drugs.


Way too often, I see no purpose in living. I feel as if I'm merely existing until I die. I'm tired of saying this to you because you always bring up my daughter. She is loved, she is about to be married, she will weather my passing with her mate at her side. What I don't tell you about this is that I always let you say the last words so you stop talking about it.

I cannot find the "forgiveness" you have so many times explained to me.


There is still that tiny little speck of trust I simply cannot give you. Yet, you are always the first and only person I think of talking to when my brain is mush and I'm afraid of things that go "bump" in the night, when I dream of those things that go "bump" on cold, moonlit nights in the dead of winter when the ground is blanketed with virgin snow...


Ivory

5 comments:

Kate said...

Hi Ivory,

I understand not telling your therapist. This stuff is hard stuff.

I can understand feeling as though you are merely existing. But that is only the feeling. That is not the reality.

If your desire to heal was not stronger than all the other issues, you would not be going to therapy and healing.I know how much courage that takes.

Good and healing thoughts to you.

Kate

jumpinginpuddles said...

its hard when not all alters want the same healing path or dont want to hear a different healing path, but over time it does change.
We call it a funnell sooner or later your healing impacts their healing, we are a testiment to that.

Ivory said...

@ Kate,
My desire to heal is great, I just can't seem to put a finger on, and define, HEAL. Thanks for the encouragement - it always helps and this morning, I needed some encouragement.

@JIP,
Yes, not being on the same page is difficult, but what you say is the same thing T says. I need to trust in it and sometimes, I forget it. I get too involved in trying to move past something that I sink in the muck of of. That is actually the topic for my next post...

Ivory

Kate said...

Hi Ivory,

It sure looks like healing from here. I think you are doing a great job of it.

Kate

Ivory said...

Kate,
Thank you. You are such an inspiration when I really need uplifted.

I think I've hit the bottom several times and had to begin again. All I have to say to Mr.S is that I'm a failure - and we begin again.

Speaking of failure. Mr.S is gone for 2 weeks. I'm scared.