Monday, May 18, 2009

T, Are You Listening?

I added an update to the end: Mr.S replied to me via email and he didn't say I couldn't use it here. I did edit some personal stuff out, tho, but I didn't change what I pasted...I had a therapy session today with my T.

Mr. S, are you listening tonight? I hope so and if you are, feel free to comment.

I probably should have posted my next Things I Don't Say, but I wouldn't get thru it w/o cratering. Maybe tomorrow.

Anyway:
I found out my mother was not part of my abuse by a family friend. She wants me to know she has always loved me and was so very sorry for having treated me so badly all of my life. There has never been such remorse and such a great change in someone her age.My heart wildly hammered out about 50 beats in only a few seconds. And then you smiled at me.For the few seconds my heart was jumping around in my chest, my whole life flashed before my mind - renewed, full of life, love, caring, compassion, and nurturing.

And then you smiled.


I understand, really. You were trying to help me into the reality of the hopeless situation with my
mother because she is not capable of loving me, or anyone else. My head knows that. Understand that I still need something, something only a mother can give a child. My heart will catch up some day. You told me those things to make a point. Point made. Well taken.

Mr. S, I always want you to be honest with me; I need for you to be honest with me. Please, don't ever be patronizing and tell me what I want to hear, instead of the truth. And, please, even if it hurts, help keep me centered in reality. Still...


Did I tell you about BTC's patented Smiting Stick of Doom?


Till serve and volley next week,

Ivory

UPDATE:

Mr. S was listening and I got this reply from him via email:
"I read and I am listening. I had switched momentarily to the mode of telling you what you wanted to hear this evening. I know it was painful, because in the end, you felt a whole lot better about the honest truth I was giving you before and after that piece of tripe. The truth hurts, yet it is so much better than what we know is not true, even if we wish it was the hope of our hearts. Forgive me for shaking the truth tree into reality.... I do not allow myself to be the product of someone else's unloving behavior toward me. If I can't do this for myself how then can I be there for someone else? It is not that I must, I just do. Because I can, I am grateful for that.
Good night,"

S

8 comments:

thesamesky said...

Excellent letter! I think it is time for that stick of doom though (you sounded way too nice!)

Ivory said...

Thesamesky,

I had to be nice - we were pretty much joking around - his way of lightening my mood because I being was being winy and spoiled. He wanted me realize the situation with my mother "is what it is", which I sometimes forget, and I can't go back and change it AND she is not going to change. I was upset about it (still spoiled), so he told me what I wanted to hear - which in the end is not what I wanted to hear.

Earlier He had asked me,"Do you want me to tell you the truth, or lie to you?"

He was not trying to be a smart @$$ or disrespectful. Still, I don't think either of us realized until he said it, how I would react. It was weird, cause I know my mother won't ever change.

So, my stick of doom comment was a way of joking back at him.

Ivory

thesamesky said...

I understand, but wonder whether you would be able to get cross with him if you needed to?

Ivory said...

Thesamesky,

Yes, I can get angry. Been there, done that. Several times. A time or two, it was an alter who had no problem with it.

I've added another post addressing this to avoid confusion...

Thanks for responding.

Kate said...

Hi Ivory,

It is hard to hear the truth when our heart wants to believe that they can and want to love us.

Good and healing thoughts to you.

Kate

Ivory said...

Kate,

you are so right. So right. For just an instant, I hurt real bad. Coulda, woulda, shoulda. I have to not live there.

Ivory

Kate said...

Hi Ivory,

I hope for a moment you can live in this moment where you are valued, treasured and loved by other survivors. You are. I know what a horror storm that can created, but fair warning, get used to being valued, treasured, and loved. It is already happening.

Good and healing thoughts to you.

Kate

Ivory said...

Kate,
Thank you so much. It took my daughter many months to convince me to start blogging. As with research about DIDs, I refused to blog because I wanted to finish my book without outside influence. I managed to do it, but only because I didn't know what I was missing out on!

I'm so glad you all are here!

Ivory