Tuesday, May 5, 2009

My Hero

My father died 3 1/2 years ago, right after my mother "outed" my abuse to my brothers and sisters and they all turned their backs on me. I was not prepared for his death, even tho he lived in a nursing home, I was surprised. Devastated to be exact.

My dad was a hero in my eyes, for all of my life. He even told my husband, when I was 18, that I was his favorite. Tho he lived in a nursing home, I held out hope that I might be able to share some of the heartbreak I was feeling at Mom telling all about my abuse and I knew in my heart he would have stood by me, no matter how difficult. But he was old and his health failing, so I never said a word. And then he died. With him he took my salvation. He took the one chance I saw that would somehow help me to save face with my family - we just didn't have enough time.


I had an awful dream 2 nights ago and I have found much solace from blogging, so altho this is very intimate, and very heart breaking for me, I still want to put it here. Maybe this will be a way for me "leave" it somewhere besides in my heart where it squeezes and tears at me. Dream: In a large room there were many people, only a few of whom I knew. I was a small child (Smoke is probably the one who really had this dream, as I was she and she was me) and I watched my dad from across the room. He was doing what he was a master at: socializing. In real life I never knew him to have an enemy. He was just as charizmatic in my dream.

From across the room Dad smiled at me and I felt the warmth of it touch my heart, spill out and sparkle at my fingertips. The smile that spread across my young face couldn't hid my love for him. He walked towards me, holding a Pepsi, smiling at people, and shaking their hands. Finally, I grabbed onto him and marveled at how he was so young and his hair was the same rich dark auburn of my hair. He wrapped his arm around me and held me tight as we walked thru the party room.

Then, the dream popped and my mother and I stood in a smaller room that was shiny because of all the stainless steel lining the walls, cabinets, and floors. There was a nook to my right and I realized that Dad lay on a gurney there, with his back to me. I ran over to him and dropped to my knees to be closer to his face and saw that he now looked as he did when he died: White longer hair, sad green eyes, and thick unyielding skin. Still, I loved him so much.

I noticed the sad smile he managed to give me and I knew he was saying goodbye. I clawed at him trying to pull him off of the gurney and I begged and begged for him not to go away and leave me alone. He pointed upward and said he had to go. I continued to beg and claw - even as I awoke crying.

It seems I continually beg for people I care about not to leave me. They leave anyway. I know some can't help it, but I still feel abandoned by them. I feel lost and forgotten by people who should love me and who should care. I just wanted to leave this dream here. Here, it is safe and so am I. It will be here as a testiment, not that he left me, but that at least one other person (besides my daughter) loves me. I want everyone to know that. I don't ever want to forget that.

5 comments:

castorgirl said...

I'm glad this dream of your father brought you warmth, happiness and a sense of his love for you...

The good thing about blogging is that you can keep these reminders here.

Take care

Ivory said...

Castorgirl,

Yes, especially since I've fought so hard for the last 4 years to feel any love from anyone.

Kate said...

Hi Ivory,

I'm glad that you had your father and his love. You do deserve that.

I know that from what you have posted you have gone through a lot of pain in the last four years around the topic of love. But if one or two people can love you, more people can and will. And even if no one has ever loved a survivor, it doesn't mean anything. They can still be loved.

Good and healing thoughts to you.

Kate

Ivory said...

.
Thanks, Kate, for such kindness.

From what I've read blogging, we all have a lot to give, a lot of love and willing to share it. But will we ever be truly loved in return?

Ivory
.

Kate said...

Hi Ivory,

Yes, I believe so. Even if it is only online for now, it is love and it is true and it is possible.

It took me a long time of being online before I found some online friends that truly loved me, but it happened and it is real. I do believe that means that I will have more than that, in my future. I believe that love is out there for all of us survivors.

Good and healing thoughts to you.

Kate