Saturday, May 9, 2009

Mother's Day

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Hi, Mom. I'm sorry I didn't come see you this weekend. I just couldn't. I wanted to invite you to my house for dinner, but I knew you'd rather be with your other children.

Your granddaughter and her fiance are coming for the day. Yes, I said fiance. They are finally getting married, but I won't be telling you or my brothers and sisters. She has decided not to invite any of you to her wedding. She wants her special day to be as stress free as it can be. I bet you'd never thought she'd feel that way about you, did you?
I hope you like the card I sent you. I love butterflies. I am ashamed that I looked for a card that said Happy Mother's Day without saying "I love you", or made overtures about how great a mother you are or how much you mean to me. I refuse to say those things to you again, ever. You never say them back.

You will be upset with me for mailing the card, won't you, instead of stopping by on my home after work. I just didn't want to see you on this day for honoring mothers. I wish I could honor you. Most of my life, I have wanted to honor you until, finally, I've realized you believe it is my duty to do so. Just yesterday before I mailed your card I tho
ught of how all thru the year, you visit Dad's grave at the end of my block, but you never knock on my door. You never call and you send my birthday and Christmas cards.Why do you not like me? I have scurried around trying to please you all of my life, believing that I'm over-looking something because no matter what I do, you make fun of me, tell my secrets to everyone you meet, and you are disrespectful to me. Everything bad that happens to me, you tell me it's because I'm bad and it's all my fault. How am I bad, Mom?

I finally see that I am not bad, you are. You with your holier than thou attitude, are a bad mother, yet I cannot tell you to your face. I cannot tell you that I hate you for making me give up my own flesh and blood and I did so willingly because I was dumb enough to believe that this would be the ultimate sacrifice and it would be enough, it
would be big enough to earn your love. Even that was not enough. But you fell in love with the daughter I adopted, didn't you?

Now, you are blaming me because she has stepped up to my side in defense of HER mother. You don't know why, do you? It is because she loves me. That is not a familiar concept to you, is it - that someone loves me? You cannot imagine what there is for her to love, can you? It's because I cherish her with all my heart AND - I kept her safe, Mom. She'll never know what goes on during evil rituals or what it's like to go ignored by a parent or be unloved all of her life.

She loves me mom, because I am a good mother. I wish I could share that with you - share my experiences as a mother, but you have never cared. I'm sorry that you will never know me. I am a good person, Mom. I have loved you with all my heart, all of my life. I wish you wanted my love. Every time I visit you I foolishly hope this will be the magical day that you will tell me you have made a mistake and that you finally see I am your child, too, and I need love, too, and that I am worthy.

Maybe next year.

Happy Mother's day, Mom. I love you.

Ivory.

9 comments:

thesamesky said...

Wow. This letter is so powerful and so moving, thankyou so much for sharing it. It must have been incredibly hard to write but I think you are amazing for having written it - it is so good that you can acknowledge the truth of what your Mom is like and how you feel.

It is so good too that you have the experience of being loved by your own daughter. That is pretty amazing. :)

Ivory said...

Thanks, Thesamesky. I am thinking now that I shouldn't have written it. It has upset me too much and I should be in bed - 4 hours ago - and I want to be rested tomorrow.

thesamesky said...

Oh Ivory I'm so sorry. I hope that you can sleep soon. Hugs.

Kate said...

I had a bad mother as well. I'm sorry. It was very brave of you to write the letter. You probably needed to do it and healing will flow from that.

Good and healing thoughts to you.

Kate

Secret Shadows said...

Wow....I am speechless. That is a very powerful letter. I bet that was hard to express. It was good for you, though, I'm sure.

Sending safe hugs,
Secret Shadows

jumpinginpuddles said...

we know the sadness of having a mum who hated us also, well in our case she hated one part of a split and played one alter off against the other, but same difference. We are sorry for your pain

Ivory said...

@ Kate,
Brave, I don't know. I am desperate, tho. My mother is too old for me to go at her like I'd like to (even if I could really do it) so I have to find another way to get it all out and move past it.

Thank you so much for your caring words, it means a lot to me.

@Secret Shadows,
Yes, this was difficult to write. I cried all the way thru, and for the rest of the day. I felt as if I'd sullied my mother's name. I needed to get it out, tho, and I'm glad I did.

I appreciate the hugs. Lord knows I need some hugs-my mother fell short in that area, too.

@JIP,
I'm so sorry your mother used your DID against you. Still, I don't feel so alone when I hear how you understand. Thanks, bunches.

Ivory

beauty said...

What an honest, from the heart letter. I can imagine how much it pained you to write its truth, but you didn't whitewash anything.

I know these feelings. I know the perplexity of not understanding why your own mother doesn't love you. The mother-daughter relationship is supposed to be the most basic relationship there is, and so when it goes sour (or maybe was never good to begin with), it's a bit shocking.

I'm sorry you know firsthand what all this is like. It probably doesn't help to know there are many of us in the world who could have written similar letters. I don't expect to ever get over my mother not loving me, and that's why I can no longer allow her in my life.

It's too too hard.

Ivory said...

Beauty,

It is too too hard is so true! My daughter, bless her heart, is trying to love me enough to cover the absence of love from my mother. No child should ever have to experience that. On top of it all, she pines for her father's love. How do parents come to treating their children like strangers? I just cannot imagine it.

I have read some of your earlier posts about your mother. I thot of you and JIP when I wrote this and cried enough for all of us.

Thanks for caring,
Ivory