Saturday, May 16, 2009

Baby I'm-A Want You

Have you ever heard someone say, "Wow, that song really takes me back!"

Because of DID, a song can actually trigger an unhappy event or be the transport or conduit, that takes me backwards in time. At a very impressionable time of my life, I was raped. That was bad enough in itself, but I became pregnant and my parents wouldn't let me keep her. I know, many of you are wrinkling your foreheads and squinting your eyes and saying, "Huuh?"

I was barely 17 when I got pregnant. I was still reeling from
an atrocious childhood and on the brink of becoming a woman, but I was also still in the clutches of my parents (Mom in particular) who were very controlling. They saw my pregnancy as something I did just to spite them somehow. At the very most, they were sure it would damage their reputation in the community.

I was kept a prisoner in their house. My daily jobs were to help my little sister catch the kindergarten bus, clean the kitchen, and get supper ready. Not difficult at all, but I was not allowed to leave the house, lest someone see me. All day, every day for many months, I listened to the radio and the few 45 records I had, one of them was
Baby I'm-A Want You by Bread. Again, I know you are wrinkling your foreheads, "Huuh?"

Many of
you, tho, will understand when I say that I desperately wanted my parents to love me (again), I wanted them to forgive me (again), I would do anything to show them I deserved and wanted their respect (again). In the end, I gave the ultimate sacrifice, my baby, in exchange for all the above. It was in vain. I have hated myself and them for not having the backbone to stand up to them because I loved my baby from the first time she wiggled inside of me. If I thot my life was hell under house arrest, it has been worse than that all these years with out her. I was such a... a... well trained monkey.
When ever I hear Baby I'm-A Want You by Bread. It's not the words that trigger, but the voices, the tune, the beat, the entire song. I become lost in time and space and Blue cries for the loss of a child who is grown, possibly with children of her own.

Forgiveness for what I've done becomes a bloody dagger finding its way to the most sensitive part of me. It twists and turns until I am that naive little farm girl running for her life along the foot path above the lake. My own life looses me along the way of a simple, but horrible, memory and I am forced to be witness again to Blue's rape. In just a heartbeat of time, I watch my baby being wheeled away in a tiny little incubator, the wheels making equally tiny little snapping sounds on the polished green tiles.

When you hear someone musing about a song that "takes them back", be mindful of where it takes them.


Ivory

7 comments:

Kate said...

Hi Ivory,

I'm sorry for your loss. I had a friend who went through this as well. I could see how deeply it affected her still.

Good and healing thoughts to you.

Kate

Ivory said...

Thanks, Kate, I appreciate your kind word and understanding so much.

No one in my family EVER asked how I got pregnant, it was hard to go thru all by myself and I've hid it all these years.

Secret Shadows said...

Oh, that had to be terribly painful. I definitely understand the concept of certain songs taking you back. I experience that myself, and know that it can be a very painful reminder.

I am sad that you experienced such grief at such a young age, and of course this grief continues. You loved your little girl, and that is clear.

Sending warm comforting thoughts.....

Secret Shadows

Ivory said...

It was horrible. Writing about it is about as bad - that surprises me. I'm not sure I will ever get over it.

Thanks for the comfort - it is a new experience...

Ivory

Kate said...

Hi Ivory,

I'm so sorry that no one bothered to ask you what happened. Dear, that is so wrong.

I know that talking about this brings up a lot of pain that has been sitting inside of yous. But I also know and believe that doing so brings healing.

I understand that. We don't really ever get completely over any of this stuff. But it can get better and we don't have to face this stuff alone.

Good and healing thoughts to you.

Kate

thesamesky said...

((((((((((Ivory))))))))))

Ivory said...

Thesamesky,

Thanks