Wednesday, May 27, 2009

Armpits and Alligators

Mr. S once helped me feel better about an uncomfortable situation by saying, "Sometimes, when you're up to your armpits in alligators, you forget you can reach down and pull the plug on the pond."

He likes to inject humor into my therapy sessions sometimes. :D

Anyway, one of my most recent posts (and sessions) was about his vacation. I thot I was okay with it, but I guess not. One of my alters, Lavender (the one most like me), emailed him.
Does this ever happen to anyone else?

I didn't know about the email until I opened his reply this evening. I'm so embarrassed and ashamed.
Lavender only asked for advice and didn't say anything bad or outside boundaries, but I wish it hadn't happened. He's too busy to be messing with me, my alters, and silly emails.I knew he was going to be away for 2 weeks. Okay, that is enough to make all of me nervous, but I have weathered this before. The only difference is that he always gave me permission to call him. He would have done the same this time but he will be where my American cell phone doesn't go. It's not that I ever call him, I don't. I just need to know that I CAN call him - he understands that, but he always tells me it's okay for me to call if I need to.With his departure looming, I had begun to make plans of my own that would keep me busy and keep the dragon (or alligator) of loneliness from breathing down my neck - T had even given me a suggestion for keeping busy. I really thot I would be okay, but maybe I 'd made too many plans. Maybe that's what set everyone off, or made someone unhappy about it all. Otherwise, Lavender wouldn't have emailed him. She's sort of my tattle-tale with good intentions person.

I think I was trying to ignore the alligators so much, I didn't know they were up to my arm pits. I am very thankful tho, that Mr.S reached over, via email, and pulled the plug. It's times like this I'm surprised I'm allowed to live alone. -_- It's times like this I wonder if all the stigma of being DID is true.



Kate said...

Hi Ivory,

I'm glad that Lavender emailed. That was a healthy thing to do.

"He's too busy to be messing with me, my alters, and silly emails."

No he isn't too busy. And emails from yous are not silly.

I understand about the phone thing too. I don't call, it is just assuring to know that I can.

"It's times like this I wonder if all the stigma of being DID is true."

No they aren't. No. None of them are true.

Good and healing thoughts to you.


Just Be Real said...

Dear one, I cannot say that this has happened to me, with regards to alters. I do understand that just the comfort of knowing if you did need to call him, you at least have the permission to. Could you purchase a phone card or something, or it is just your cell that will not be able to get in touch because of the barrier? I am not to keen on what is savy now-a-days with all the tech?


Ivory said...

@ Kate,
I feel part of something every time some one understands and knows how I feel. I have spent years believing I'm crazy. I'm told I'm not crazy but I have realized I'm not like every one else. Thank you so much for commenting.

@ JBR,
I have wondered about a phone card, but my cell (I don't have a land line) is not set up for over seas calls. Anyway, I would be horrified if I had to call him while he is on vacation!

Dependency is not something I'm ready to admit. Just when I was needing support my husband moved out and my family turned their backs on me. There was no one else for me to depend on, so he got the brunt of it. I'm working on it, tho. I think I'd be okay but there is no one else to talk to - except other bloggers and you all have been great. Thanks for caring.

Just Be Real said...

I will pray that you will be able to have the peace where you did not need to call him dear one.....I can feel your struggle....

Hillary_C said...

Ah, I was stressing this week and emailed my T (no appt due to work) he wrote back that "sometimes you eat the bear and sometimes the bear eats you". Guess they like their animal metaphors....
An email is not terribly intrusive; it is asynchronous. It can be answered when time permits, and the response can be short even if what was sent was lengthy. We are ALL doing this to our Ts, I am sure yours would feel neglected if you did not write :-)

Ivory said...


Oh, I love that you said everyone is doing the same thing to their Ts! Love it! Makes me feel more normal, what ever that is. I even asked once if either of us moved away, would he miss me. Of course he said, yes.

Thank you so much, I needed some happy thots after a stressful work week.