There seems to be a lot of self medicating going on. That's how I numb out. That's how I cope because otherwise, it's a freaking free-for-all this weekend. I can tell that I will crater this weekend and then life will level out for a few days, probably only until next weekend.
Weekends are so difficult because I am all alone. I dream of my family and all the fun we used to have on weekends. I always wake up crying, I always wake up. I have an alter who hoards medication in preparation for dooms-day - or D-day, however you would see it. She is hyper vigilant and waiting for the day when she can take all the pills and disappear forever. Every night is an unseen game of Russian Roulette.
This weekend is especially bad because I am fighting back the need to email my T and tell him I don't want to come to my session on Monday. I can't do that, tho cause he always finds a way to get me in there. Why do I fight it so hard? I feel as if I'm about to explode when i get like this.