Saturday, April 25, 2009

To Be or Not to Be

There seems to be a lot of self medicating going on. That's how I numb out. That's how I cope because otherwise, it's a freaking free-for-all this weekend. I can tell that I will crater this weekend and then life will level out for a few days, probably only until next weekend.

Weekends are so difficult because I am all alone. I dream of my family and all the fun we used to have on weekends. I always wake up crying, I always wake up. I have an alter who hoards medication in preparation for dooms-day - or D-day, however you would see it. She is hyper vigilant and waiting for the day when she can take all the pills and disappear forever. Every night is an unseen game of Russian Roulette.

This weekend is especially bad because I am fighting back the need to email my T and tell him I don't want to come to my session on Monday. I can't do that, tho cause he always finds a way to get me in there. Why do I fight it so hard? I feel as if I'm about to explode when i get like this.

Hatin' it,



Rachel said...

How come you don't want to go?

Hoping that you are able to make it through the weekend.


Ivory said...

It's not that I just don't want to go. I am nearly broke paying for therapy and when I get really down, I turn away from every body - especially my T.

I know it's happening. I know why it's happening. But somewhere in my tiny little brain it is justified. I've been up half the night thinking of excuses not go in tomorrow. They're all true. The most pressing being I don't have the money any more.

Rachel said...

So withdrawing because you feel down. That makes sense. Sucks though. :(

Kate said...

Withdrawing is an old pattern. I do that too. I know how powerful old patterns are. But your therapist is willing to work through this, even if you can't pay right away. You deserve that.


Ivory said...

Yes, withdrawing seems to be my pattern (@Rachel - really sucks!). My T is so understanding and caring I wish everyone could experience his patience and compassion. And, yes, he allowed me to rack up a pretty high bill just to make sure I got the help I needed. In fact, those are his words, "Don't worry about money. I want to be sure you are getting the help you need."

Of course, I eventually paid him back, but now, it's happening again. I guess I shouldn't worry about it so much.

Thanks for your great and supportive comments.