Saturday, April 11, 2009

Oh, God! Why do I do This?

I went to my mother's this afternoon. I had an Easter card for her and I even stopped by the drug store to pick up a couple of her favorite Cadbury eggs. I meant to send the card, I had it addressed and stamped and everything! Darn! Why do I do this????

I glanced in the back seat of my car as I drove home yesterday and *aahhhh*!!! there it was! The card lay there like the plume of an atomic bomb. How do these things happen - well I know how they happen - it wasn't ME, exactly. Buy why?

So, I waited as long as I could today and drove it the few miles to her apartment. I was afraid one of my siblings would be there, but, wow, no one was there. Mom came to the door with a happy smile and refreshing look on her face. I know that look. I knew it would be one of two scenarios: either she was going out and one of my siblings would be coming by to pick her up; or, she was glad it was me because she had something to "rub" in, or brag about. Guess which one it was?

She was ecstatic about having spent the day at the clinic by the hospital (65 miles away) because she got out and had some fun. Why is that a rub? She won't go anywhere with me, even to pick up her prescriptions just 4 blocks away. Some one has convinced her (or some how she is convinced) that I will take her somewhere and hurt her. I bet you're thinking an alter would hurt her, aren't you?

Well, an alter wouldn't hurt her. My T has promised me that he knows of no vicious or otherwise questionable alter that lives with me. AND, my family doesn't know about my alters, just that I have PTSD. To them, any mental illness, no mater how it came about is reason to tease, taunt, and become dramatic over. So, I blame them that my own mother is afraid of me. She isn't innocent, either, she also intentionally does things to make me feel bad - like something as trivial as going out of town with my brother, who had to leave work when I had the day off.

When my mother's phone rang, she answered it. Seconds later, she indicated it was a family member from another state, so I whispered I was leaving and she waived her had as a sort of goodbye. I'd been sitting on the couch for about 20 minutes and my mother didn't even ask me if I had plans for Easter, she didn't ask about my daughter, and she didn't share her plans. During the whole conversation I felt as if I were sitting in a stranger's living room, listening to her endless boring tales of family vacations...

And now, I've been crying since I left there, feeling isolated and forgotten. God!! Why do I do this? Why do I let her beat me up and then I practically thank her for it? I know why. I miss my family, I miss them so much I can't stand it. And no one understands. I don't think my T even understands. My daughter certainly doesn't understand.

Easter is one of the most difficult holidays for me. Not because something bad happened, but because nothing bad happened. Now that my whole family has disowned me, I desperately miss all the fun we used to have. I will be spending the day with my daughter and her boyfriend but it's not the same as the Easters we used to have (they still have) with 20-30 people all laughing and enjoying the day. I feel as if I don't belong anywhere, anymore.
:' (
Ivory

2 comments:

Rhonda said...

I know how you feel! Easter this year was just me and my husband. Even my son was gone to his father's. I grew up in several abusive environments, sorta a foster kid passed around within the family, but we always had fun on Easter...and other holidays. I miss it too. Now I am lonely on holidays because I refuse to be around those who abused me. If I do give in and visit my mother it's just like you said...I end up crying about it for days. And I don't want to do that anymore.

Ivory said...

Rhonda,

Thanks so much for all your wonderful inspiration! I don't feel so isolated and alone when ever I hear that someone else understands.

I just wish no one had to experience their mother not caring about them. It hurts so much...

Ivory