Sunday, April 12, 2009

God is Cruel, Sometimes He Makes Us Live

Steven King once wrote: God is cruel, sometimes he makes you live. If you’ve read a few of my previous posts, you know that I am angry with God. I rant and I rave about Him not being there, in my childhood, to help me. I keep trying to go to church, I just never feel part of the “group”. I mean the group that believes, has faith, and wants to worship. I go home frustrated that they are so blind, so convinced, and so ignorant.

Worshiping a God who allowed me to become the sick fantasy of a small band of demon worshipers and become the focus child for their ritual, is a step I still cannot take. I cannot find a safe place – physically or mentally - to even think about it.

It happened so long ago, yet my body remembers and my heart and soul continue to cry out for forgiveness - such a conflicting feeling. Where is the justice? It has ruined my life and I was just a child.

I am not a child of God, no parent would allow that to happen to one of their own. I don’t feel like a child of my mother, either. (I don’t know if my parents knew what had been going on.) I have always felt like an injured kitten, walking in the middle of a busy highway – and no one cares.

So, in this sense, God is cruel. He made me live through it, though many times I’ve begged him to end it.

My T often tells me that I will someday be a witness against the bad guys, so "someday" will not come soon enough for me, if indeed, it comes at all.

I've changed my mind - Easter is a difficult holiday. I keep searching...

Ivory

4 comments:

castorgirl said...

Sorry, I don't have any words of wisdom. I constantly struggle with the concept of a higher power.

Just wanted to send some positive thoughts your way.

Take care...
B

Sam Embracing Samo said...

It is exactly you, and me, and other children, the site - clik to see god-apologizing-to-you - was made for, because there is finally Him (not vice versa as usually all religions make us do) who kneels down to you, and me, and other abused children...

Vague said...

i think its something our brains can never grasp. has to be something revealed... yeah. impossible to understand on our own.

Ivory said...

Castorgirl,
Just knowing someone else cares...
Thanks.

Sam Embracing Samo,
Thanks for the input - your site is powerful.

Vague,
I keep trying to see or feel what others do about God/religion and I always drop at the same place - where I'm to "thank" him...

Thank you all! Every word of encouragement makes my day better.

Ivory