Tuesday, April 21, 2009

Changing Expectations

I have asked so many times: Is there a God? Yesterday in my therapy session, we talked a lot about God, I like to hear about Him, it gives me insight to how other people think of Him. But...

While reading a post on Life Spacings by Jumping in Puddles, I was suddenly reminded of why having DID is so darn difficult! Gosh! It is in front of my eyes every day and haunts every move and every decision I make and I have sat here for weeks trying to corner a way to explain it!

For me, the most difficult thing of my every day life is that people continually try to change me. If they know I'm in therapy (no one knows why), they try to change me to make life better (for ME). If anyone realizes I am wary of someone or something, catches me at a bad time - like hiding in the bathroom or crying, they start to try to change me. What gives anybody else the right to impose upon me their beliefs and behavior? Just because their way of life is best for them, doesn't mean it will work for me:

"Oh, here, if you just get out more." "If you just trust, me." "If you learn to cope." (okay, that one is my T talking) "If you let me help you." "If you pray." "If you hadn't ..." If you will..."

Who would all this make life better for? Darn it! They need to change themselves. In my session, it finally became blatantly clear that if society would be a bit more accepting and tolerant, I would not be having so much trouble "coping". It is because of how society views people with DID that makes me shrink against the walls and hide around every corner (I don't want to be found out).

Hey, I can't just strip off my alters along with the evil who put them here. It's been right in front of me all along. I have tried for years to be normal and I just can't do it. I wonder if anyone else has had this thought. Wow - what a load off!



Rachel said...

You just need someone who will come and sit next to you on the bathroom floor, no questions asked, and accept you tears and all.

If only we humans were better at relating to one another eh?!

Ivory said...

You have spoken volumes in only a few words.


Rachel said...

Clearly, I have no career in politics then! ;)

Kate said...

Hi Ivory,

I do believe in God. I do believe that God does accept us exactly as we are. And also hold out the hand of healing.

I'm not trying to say that people are immitating God when they do try to change others. I know that i am caught in this dillemma myself. I want to help, I really do. but most of the time I really only think that I can help by doing and helping, instead of witnessing. For me that is about being a survivor and feeling inadequate by just sitting and being with someone. Though others have told me that. It just tends to go over my head. on the other hand, I desperately want from others the witnessing and accepting me as I am, in that moment, because I know the power of healing that comes through that.

I think if we as people were better at accepting and witnessing, the world would be a much more healed place. Thank you for talking about this topic, it is really important.

So here goes, my effort at doing this, I hear you. I can relate. I'm here. You are not alone.