Friday, April 24, 2009

Another One Bites the Dust

You know, I think I just may give up entirely on friends and go solo.

I am friends with a woman several years my senior, we met at work 12 years ago and have been close friends since then. We have had our ups and downs and there was a 2-year separation because she (yes, it was her) had emotional issues and had a breakdown. At the worst of it, she physically attacked me at work. But we managed to patch it up and continue being friends. Then I got a divorce.

Since I've become a single again, I have noticed some very odd behavior from my friend. She suddenly wanted me to become as enamored with her husband as she is. Opposite of what you thot I would say, isn't it. But don't get the wrong idea, she just wanted me to blend into her marriage as her friend and his friend, sort of me being friends with a couple, not just friends with her as an individual; she actually wanted us to hang out together. I couldn't make her believe that SHE was my friend, not her husband.

Anyway, he likes to be the ruler of the kingdom and I have refused to become his subject so there has been conflict between the 2 of them. Again, not how you would think. My influence on her has made her realize that 1) she is not a mere extension of his body, 2) she has the same human rights he has to privacy, desire, need, etc, and 3) she especially has the right to voice her opinion/choice when the issue involves her directly. Yeah, lots of problems there. And I have been blamed for each and every one of them. Even her 40 something son, whom I've never met, has jumped on the band wagon and wants to choke the life from me because his mother told him not to talk to her the way he always does (very disrespectful).

Today via email, she invited me over to her house after ignoring me for 2 weeks. She wants us to have a nice little cooked supper and talk because, as she claims, she has come to decisions and made some personal changes. She also indicated in her email that she and her husband are having problems. Well, what does all this have to do with DID, you ask?

It is a double edged sword and is about to burn thru my heart. It will hit its mark over and over until I want to die from it. It will cause cutting and crying and I don't know how to stop it, save for the Buspirone I have safely tucked away in the cabinet...

One of the last things my ex said before he walked out on me was that I am too "broken" for him; he cannot live with me because of my alters. Believe it or not, he was never in any danger and he rarely, if ever, had to deal with any of us directly. My alters and I are the kind who push all the trauma inward and punish us, no one else. Yet, he couldn't resist letting me know that he had to "save himself" (yes, he said that) and divorce me. Only a few weeks later, he called to ask for a second chance, so we discussed dating. The next day, he called and asked me out for supper and right after we got our food, he began telling me that he just couldn't do it, he had to save himself and that he changed his mind and didn't want to ever be with me again. Ouch, a million times ouch.

Shortly after my ex moved out, my friend began to ignore me. Weeks went by; she wouldn't answer my phone calls or return emails. Finally, I asked her outright if I had offended her. (That is always a possibility of that with alters, after all) She eventually called and asked me out to supper. Over supper, just after we'd gotten our food, she angrily demanded to know if I had "Multiple Personalities". Ouch, a million times ouch.

A common acquaintance had figured it out about me and pleaded with her to dump me as a friend because I was dangerous. I lied, knowing that if she ever found out, she would be furious. Now, she has again asked me out for a nice quiet little supper. For what, I don't know. I'm not sure I want to know. My ex and her husband play golf at the same club - maybe my ex told her husband about my alters and she is more willing to believe him, then to give me the benefit of the doubt based on our past together. Makes me feel invisible

And that is fodder for another post.

Hatin' it,

Ivory

.

5 comments:

Kate said...

I am at a loss to know why someone else would consider you to be dangerous. This person has known you for years, perhaps so has the person who encouraged her to dump you because you are dangerous. How awful.

Multiples are not dangerous. You are not some type of evil genius out to wound and harm everyone and the world. You are a human being and deserve to be loved and cared for. I'm sorry that this type of prejudice and lies are out there.

Good and healing thoughts to you.

Kate

Ivory said...

Kate,

Thanks for the understanding that comes thru in your comment. I still haven't heard from her and after 2 weeks, I probably won't.

In all fairness: she was the one who attacked me at work. She was coming at me with her hands up to go around my throat when she was sidetracked by my husband. So, yeah, I'm not the dangerous one...

Kate said...

Hi Ivory,

Yes you are right, she is the dangerous one. I'm so sorry that you went through this. I would never have forgiven someone for that. You seem to have a very sweet and kind nature. I'm sorry for the pain this is causing you.Her loss.

Kate

Ivory said...

Kate,
You are so wonderful to say such nice things. Everybody is so supportive! I'm really not used to it, it's great! Back to reality: yes, she is dangerous but it's because of emotional issues. I have been abandoned by nearly everyone in my life because of emotional issues, tho they don't know the extent of it. I just couldn't do the same to her, or anyone for that matter. But I think I can't do it anymore with her, she sucks me dry. I know that sounds hateful but she has just gotten too toxic for me.

Thanks for saying it's "her loss"! Makes me feel better.

Kate said...

Hi Ivory,

It doesn't sound hateful. It sounds accurate. If she suckes you dry and if she has gotten toxic to you, that is accurate and perfectly fine to say.

It sounds like you were a good friend to her and she wasn't in return.

I'm sorry that having a lot of support is not a part of your personal experience. I have found a lot of support online, though it is hard not having more face to face support from people who get it, who care about me, and who want to spend time with me and want to spend time with me.

I can relate to being abandoned a graet deal as well. Hang in there, there are lots of people out there who can be supportive, caring, and knowledgeble.

Good and healing thoughts to you.

Kate