Sunday, March 15, 2009

Who Am I?

Just a few days ago, I paid a visit to my mother - a rare visit to my mother. I don't go around her much because she is so toxic I usually have to go see my T afterward. Anyway, while I was there, my niece, her husband, and 3 kids came by to visit my mom. I hadn't seen them for nearly 4 years. It was strained enough, and then, as it usually does, the topic of family came up. My mom said she noticed how in some families, all the kids look alike. I casually said that I have often wondered if I was adopted because I don't look like my siblings - everyone laughed.

Then, my mother looked at me and said, "Yeah, you look different, alright, you were the only one I didn't want to bring home and the only reason I did was because the nurse told me you were mine." I was embarrassed and devastated. She had broken a sanctity by which a mother instinctively knows her child and allows it to suckle - and then bragged about it.

Motherless,
Ivory

8 comments:

therapydoc said...

Oy, yoy, yoy, yoy, yoy.

Ivory said...

As bad as that is for a mother to say - she never does it intentionally (that I can tell), I mean she not in my face hateful - never has been. She just doesn't seem to care about what hurts and what doesn't. It's like I'm totally innocuous to her. I'll never figure her out.

Ivory

castorgirl said...

Wow... I'm sitting here with my mouth still hanging open...

I hope you're OK now...
Take care
Sophie

Ivory said...

Sophie,

Thank you. I am okay, she has done that to me my whole life. I've only realized since I really needed a mother, that she has never really been one. Funny, but this is one of those times when I'm hurting because I know what I've missed. My daughter believes I'm the best mother in the world. It sort of makes up for lost things.

Ivory

Just Be Real said...

Nasty! I am so very sorry.

Ivory said...

JBR,

Yes, nasty. But really, I was numb to it but have begun to realize how toxic she it. I don't know that I will ever be able to call her on it. I would never say something like that to my own daughter.

Ivory

Kate said...

Hi Ivory,

I think the worst part is that in some way her statement is trying to blame you, the way you looked, that you couldn't be hers, instead of some unbalanced unstable reaction in her.

I'm sorry this was your earliest experience with a love object. Ick.

Good and healing thoughts to you all.

Kate

Ivory said...

Kate,
You know, what rears its ugly head most in my bucket of issues, is that I want so badly to know what a loving family is like and knowing I never will. It's almost more than I can stand just saying it. It sucks the promise right out of me.