Yesterday while writing my previous post, some vague and elusive understanding fluttered across my mind and I cannot help but try to grasp it. Maybe sharing it and getting your ideas, will help me "get it". I don't know. Anyway...
I cannot let go of trying to have a relationship with my mother - the mother who doesn't really like me, never has. I told a friend of mine over the weekend that I don't remember my mother ever hugging me, smiling at me, or giving me any attention other than being upset with me because I was in her way or needing something.
Mom claims she loves me. She doesn't actually get in my face with contempt, but her words and actions are not the same. From the time I can remember, I have stood back, watching Mom with my other siblings (we are 5). I loved her so much, my heart ached.
I wonder if, just as I sometimes project my emotions on others, I pretended that what I saw with Mom and my siblings, was meant for me, too. It wasn't, but now that I'm grown up when I'm with her, the actions, intentions, and emotions are so different and my mind has trouble separating reality from wishes. My siblings all hate me now, since I dared to ask my mother about the man who set me up to be molested, so I'm never with my mother when any of them are also around. I wonder if that is also why I feel so small and young and needy when I'm near her. I know my younger alters are always close when I'm with her, but like me, they stand back - wishing...
I'm not sure where to go with this... I don't know if it's just me searching, grasping onto something to help me understand why my mother doesn't like me, and why I don't have a maternal relationship with her.
My T reminds me, "You have a relationship with your mother, it's just not a good one."