Sunday, March 22, 2009

Where is the Relationship?

Yesterday while writing my previous post, some vague and elusive understanding fluttered across my mind and I cannot help but try to grasp it. Maybe sharing it and getting your ideas, will help me "get it". I don't know. Anyway...

I cannot let go of trying to have a relationship with my mother - the mother who doesn't really like me, never has. I told a friend of mine over the weekend that I don't remember my mother ever hugging me, smiling at me, or giving me any attention other than being upset with me because I was in her way or needing something.

Mom claims she loves me. She doesn't actually get in my face with contempt, but her words and actions are not the same. From the time I can remember, I have stood back, watching Mom with my other siblings (we are 5). I loved her so much, my heart ached.

I wonder if, just as I sometimes project my emotions on others, I pretended that what I saw with Mom and my siblings, was meant for me, too. It wasn't, but now that I'm grown up when I'm with her, the actions, intentions, and emotions are so different and my mind has trouble separating reality from wishes. My siblings all hate me now, since I dared to ask my mother about the man who set me up to be molested, so I'm never with my mother when any of them are also around. I wonder if that is also why I feel so small and young and needy when I'm near her. I know my younger alters are always close when I'm with her, but like me, they stand back - wishing...

I'm not sure where to go with this... I don't know if it's just me searching, grasping onto something to help me understand why my mother doesn't like me, and why I don't have a maternal relationship with her.

My T reminds me, "You have a relationship with your mother, it's just not a good one."



Vague said...

i can relate very much. our mother hugged us and told us she loved us all the time - but there was always a distance and coolness that didn't match her words... like they were just words. i think she believed them, too... but they didn't match. to this day when someone says they care about or love me, and their actions seem to 'match', i still wait for the catch.... for the true colors to show, and the act to wear off....

Ivory said...

Dear Vague,

I'm sorry that you experience this also. I have spent my life trying to "earn" my mother's love. It's so heartbreaking it brings me to my knees sometimes. I have huge trust issues with it, too. People see me as a bit too distant but it's just me holding my breath hoping I don't chase them away. Sort of circular.

Thanks for your insight,

Just Be Real said...

I am so very sorry for the pain you have endured Ivory with trying to gain your mothers love especially. Not that I had that problem, I had the opposite and over protective mother, but nonetheless not pleasant at times either. Blessings.

Ivory said...


Thank you for you welcomed comment. I am finding that sometimes, a virtual smile can fill a particular void.


castorgirl said...

I'm not sure if this holds true for you, but we've learnt that we long for the idea of a mother. While there are some of us with this need and desire for the concept of a mother, we will always try to build a relationship with the mother that will never be there as we need or want it.

As you point out, it's one thing to say the words, it's another to follow those words through with actions.

Take care.

Ivory said...

You are so right. I've often wondered if the reason I want so badly for her to love me like the others is because, simply, that she doesn't.

I find a lot of people want most what is forbidden most. I don't know, but with all the pain, that seems to be the most pervasive and hurtful.

It would take so little for her to acknowledge me...


beauty said...

This post resonated with me.

About six years ago I made the painful decision to end my relationship with my mother. This was based not only on the fact that she stayed married to her pedophile hubby after walking in on him molesting me. It also had to do with the fact that she would (during my adult years) say wounding things to me, lied about my childhood, etc.

I grew up in a legalistic church. I certainly was taught to honor my parents, and so it caused me great emotional pain and guilt to come to this decision. If my mother had ever truly shown remorse for anything, it might be a different story.

I can't remember ever feeling loved by my mother. She was always aloof, critical, and I knew at an early age (as children somehow sense these things) that nothing I did could ever earn her love, for just the fact of my existence was a constant thorn in her side.

I'm sorry that you are having these struggles. It might be worth asking yourself why you're holding on to this relationship. I realize that your younger parts are probably wanting mother love and nurturing, but it sure doesn't seem like they're ever going to get it from your mother.

Ivory said...

Beautiful D.

Thank you for such an insightful comment. My church wasn't so much legalistic as it is demanding and dominating.

I didn't realize blogging could, in some way, help to release all the pent up rejection I often feel. Just knowing others suffer with it, too, makes it bearable - I thot I was alone!

I wish no one had to go thru this.

Thanks, again,

Kate said...

Hi Ivory,

My mother never loved me. I think that I always knew. And she hated me even more because I knew.

I have started telling myself; just because your mother never loved you does not mean you are unlovable. Someone else can and will love you.

I hope that you can tell yourself something as well that you find healing. Especially for the littles, I know how hard that is for them to cope with no love from a mother.

Good and healing thoughts to you.


Ivory said...

It is so difficult especially when I know my bros and sisters are thriving in her attention. I feel like an alien in my own skin.

Thank you, tho, for taking the time to care, it means a great deal to me.