Early on in my life, I learned shouldn't make snap decisions. However, that is what I do naturally, snap! snap! snap! Some of those decisions were right on, others made trouble for me. After becoming an adult, those decisions became embarrassing and more difficult to correct.
When I was a teenager, and believing everyone was like me, I hadn't noticed my alter's behavior had run amok. Oh, I didn't know I had alters when I was young. I believed everyone did things they couldn't remember doing, or felt like they were always walking in at the middle of conversations. What I still can't get used to, though, is making decisions.
I can never just make a decision and stick to it, for instance: When I was young, I told my mother I wanted a Grape Stick, then, no, I wanted a Apple one, then a Milk Cow, then a Coke (I realize I'm dating myself here - anyone remember what Grape Sticks and Milk Cows are?) . What is so confusing is that I never remember changing my mind - someone else usually comments about it. My alters and I are never on the same page and it sometimes has consequenses. Now, I realize there are alter personalities involved and to a great degree, I no longer feel uneasy about decision-making, though I still have my moments.
When I'm asked what my favorite color is, I usually panic. Seems a simple question and should be a simple answer. It's not. My alter's names are those of colors so picking a favorite color is like picking favorites among children. Besides, they each have their own favorite color, so what I usually answer to the question is that I like all colors and not one is my favorite. I am partial to pink, tho. Mostly. Usually most of the time. Other times, I like yellow, but sometimes, teal is prettiest... but then, sometimes I love light green - and so it goes on...
I don't know if I will ever get used to making decisions because I never know when that changes - I'm not usually in on it -- say, about what to order in a restaurant. I order pasta salad and a blink of an eye, I feel Navy is close (I can tell by the courage I feel) and I wish I'd ordered Cajun chicken, instead. I know from therapy that normal people sometimes have the same issues about decision making. Probably the only difference is that sometimes, I am so hungry for the pasta salad, yet when I go to pay the check, I find that I ate the cajun chicken. No wonder I'm still wanting the pasta!
Having alters brings a whole (no pun intended) new meaning to making a group decision.
Next Week: Nightmares.