Saturday, March 7, 2009

Just Pick One!

Early on in my life, I learned shouldn't make snap decisions. However, that is what I do naturally, snap! snap! snap! Some of those decisions were right on, others made trouble for me. After becoming an adult, those decisions became embarrassing and more difficult to correct.

When I was a teenager, and believing everyone was like me, I hadn't noticed my alter's behavior had run amok. Oh, I didn't know I had alters when I was young. I believed everyone did things they couldn't remember doing, or felt like they were always walking in at the middle of conversations. What I still can't get used to, though, is making decisions.

I can never just make a decision and stick to it, for instance: When I was young, I told my mother I wanted a Grape Stick, then, no, I wanted a Apple one, then a Milk Cow, then a Coke (I realize I'm dating myself here - anyone remember what Grape Sticks and Milk Cows are?) . What is so confusing is that I never remember changing my mind - someone else usually comments about it. My alters and I are never on the same page and it sometimes has consequenses. Now, I realize there are alter personalities involved and to a great degree, I no longer feel uneasy about decision-making, though I still have my moments.

When I'm asked what my favorite color is, I usually panic. Seems a simple question and should be a simple answer. It's not. My alter's names are those of colors so picking a favorite color is like picking favorites among children. Besides, they each have their own favorite color, so what I usually answer to the question is that I like all colors and not one is my favorite. I am partial to pink, tho. Mostly. Usually most of the time. Other times, I like yellow, but sometimes, teal is prettiest... but then, sometimes I love light green - and so it goes on...

I don't know if I will ever get used to making decisions because I never know when that changes - I'm not usually in on it -- say, about what to order in a restaurant. I order pasta salad and a blink of an eye, I feel Navy is close (I can tell by the courage I feel) and I wish I'd ordered Cajun chicken, instead. I know from therapy that normal people sometimes have the same issues about decision making. Probably the only difference is that sometimes, I am so hungry for the pasta salad, yet when I go to pay the check, I find that I ate the cajun chicken. No wonder I'm still wanting the pasta!

Having alters brings a whole (no pun intended) new meaning to making a group decision.

Next Week: Nightmares.



Kate said...

Hi Ivory,

I can relate to this so so much. Been there, for sure.

It is much easier now, but still harder I think being a multiple to make a decision about ordinary life choices than it is for most people.

Good and healing thoughts to yous.


The Beehive said...

Oh my gosh I can relate to this SO much! I have the hardest time making decisions and my friends and family never fail to remind me of that. And I don't think it has gotten any easier for me - unless all of us like one thing, which for the most part is rare...