Sunday, March 29, 2009

I AM I SAID



I often wonder how to explain the feeling of being DID to someone who doesn't dissociate. (no, it's not by doing drugs). I've felt this way most of the day and this is how I can explain it.

Do you know the Neil Diamond song, "I Am I Said"? If not, please listen to it before you go on reading. Listen to the words. Listen carefully. Listen, and then read on...



Are you back?

Now, internalize those words until you can't tell if you are real and for all accounts, everyone believes you are NOT REAL. You want to be real, you try to be real, but just can't seem to feel real.

Shout it to the room: "I am! I am, I said!"

Does anyone hear you? Does anyone care? SHOUT IT AGAIN! Don't give up.

"I AM, I CRIED!"
"I AM, SAID I!"

Somehow you have an emptiness deep inside that just won't let you go because you want so badly to be real, and you feel so lost and you don't know why.

You can't give up because if you give up, you won't be real. You feel the need to scream out that you are real. You begin to wonder if you are alive because you skin is numb. Are you the dream, or are you the reality? You can't tell, you feel like you are merely energy in the room, watching someone else, with some other name...

Except for the names and a few other changes, if you talk about me, the story's the same one.

I am, I said.
Ivory

7 comments:

Marj aka Thriver said...

I found you over at Beauty's blog. This is really powerful. Wow! Thanks for sharing this.

Ivory said...

Beautiful Dreamer,

I think I lost your comment to this post (maybe it will show up). But I wanted to reply to it.

I want you to know that I appreciate your candor. I sometimes feel giddy finding out someone else knows exactly what I'm talking about! I know that sounds weird (maybe), but I live in a small town. Everyone knows me, most have known me since I was born! That leaves absolutely no one to talk to except my T - and he tries, he really does.

No one knows about the abuse I was subjected to because the perps weren't from here. That puts even more pressure on me to be "normal", at least normal for me, for how everyone knows me to be. And, like I said, my mother doesn't want to admit it.

Often, I just can't explain how I feel when I'm about to disappear, or when an alter is so close I cannot function as I normally do. My colors(alters) - especially the teen and younger ones - constantly bring up the point to my T, "Am I real?" "I want to be real." I can feel their desire to be separate from me, yet part of me. It's heart breaking, sometimes.

Peace to you,
Ivory

Ivory said...

Marj,

Thank you for coming by. I am happy that you feel the intensity I had hoped to convey! I wish more people understood...

I hope someday everyone will have more compassion.

Ivory

Kate said...

I am I said!

We are. We yelled.

Kate

Ivory said...

Kate,

YOU ARE! I HEAR YOU!!!!!

Yea!

Just Be Real said...

Wow, I had no clue this song meant so much to a lot of people. But, seeing the response not only on your blog but mine, it is mind blowing. I just thought it was just a simple song. It is hard for me to understand, in context "of myself." But, Ivory, what you shared, gives me a little more insight to the meaning. Thank you for the link. Blessings.

Ivory said...

JBR,

I got shivers reading what you wrote on your blog today - it is so painfully the same.

Hugs to you!

Ivory