Monday, February 16, 2009

To Know Me


Want to know about me?

My alter’s names are the names of colors. Not because that is what they chose, they didn’t have names until I outed them. I gave them names because I needed to be able to refer to them in therapy. I gave them the name I feel and see in my mind when they come close. For instance, if I am in pain, the emotion and feeling of pain is red in my mind, courage feels like dark blue, and so on.

So far, I am aware of 8 alters who share my life with me, all of them colors, one of them a guy. I refer to him and the Black One. He is quiet, desires to be helpful, and doesn’t come around much unless there is panic or chaos (well, more chaos than normal). I don’t know much about him, he doesn’t talk to me, only to my therapist. The others don’t talk to me either and I am not aware of what is going on when they are “out”. I wish I was aware because I often feel like I’m in a dark room with a strobe light.

Back to my colors.
Violet is the oldest, except for maybe the Black One, and she seems to be able to calm any storm and make important decisions. She loves and is loved.

Navy is my courage and is about 22 years old. She literally steps up to the plate and sometimes did my college homework. She can talk to anyone, and say anything. Navy is blunt(er) than I usually am and doesn’t take much off of anyone.

Lavender is most like me and is usually so close to me I feel connected to her more than to the others. I think she must be about 20, but I’m not sure. She focuses me and keeps my emotional self pretty much balanced and even. Her presence calms me, like Valium. Violet calms me, too, only in that she makes me feel safe.

Blue is 17 years old and runs full throttle in denial most of the time. She can be belligerent and is always close or out when men are around. My therapist told me she comes off like she can take on the world but is really very wary of it.

Smoke is my most troubled child. She was the subject of a ritual that will surely get someone a burning spot in hell (and I only know part of it). Smoke is only 11, sometimes 12 and she tries to act much older. Because of her trauma, she “saves” things, like money, cans of food, socks and boxes (my basement is full of boxes). She is always on the alert for the moment we might have to flee to safety.

Peach is 9 and colors to stay safely away from reality. She is timid and I don’t know her well because I don’t feel her presence often. She has talked to my therapist only once, that I know of. The only other thing I know about her is that she is often “with” Pink and Smoke.

Pink is the youngest at 7. Pink is curious and happy. She doesn’t speak but uses sign language. Sometimes when I feel Pink’s soft happy smile on my lips, I also feel as if I want to suck my thumb. As far as I know, that has never happened in public.

I have discussed Ivory with my therapist. We don’t know if she is an alter, or just the name someone chose to front my blog. The name came easily and felt right, so, who knows? (Truly? I don’t want there to be anymore)

Next Weekend, look for Ever Lost Your Keys?, it puts an alternative spin to how you experience it.



beauty said...

Oh I like that your alters have colors for names!

I still don't know as much as I'd like to about my parts. I think I probably keep them at a distance as a means of denying my DID. Plus, for some reason, I feel guilty that they exist.

Ivory said...

I wish there were some way for us to completely understand there is no way we are guilty, but as much as I trust my therapist, blame can be pretty strong.


David Rochester said...

I pictured you as a rainbow or an artist's color palette while I was reading this.

Ivory said...

Believe it or not, I have a 9 year old who colors rainbows on everything! It has bled over to my likes as well because I love color and the 2 people who really know me, can tell which alter might be close by what color my clothes are (or who dressed me), or what color I want to be nearest to.

Your description made my world sound beautiful, many thanks.

Ivory ;)

Kate said...

Hi Ivory,

It is an honor to meet you all and learn some things about yous.

I love that yous are a rainbow. How beautiful.


The Beehive said...

This inspires me to share a little about my alters on my blog.. Perhaps at a future time? I loved reading this, it made me think of mine :)