Saturday, February 21, 2009

Ever Lost Your Keys?

For a person not suffering from DID, losing ones keys, while frustrating, usually ends with the wayward trinkets found and life goes on. For me, it is never so simple.
About 5 years ago, I "lost" one of two sets of car/house keys. They went missing on a warm afternoon just before I left the house to go to the grocery store. I searched for a few minutes and then just grabbed the other set and went on my way. Later, I looked for the keys again, then the next day I looked before work, and so on, until weeks went by and I finally wrote them off as having been accidentally thrown away (altho I did look in the trash, too). This happened just as my therapy began delving into DID and what it meant to me.
A year went by. My young alter, Smoke, was having much trouble dealing with all she has lived thru and to make matters worse, I had learned she would sometimes try to "disappear", by dieing or running away. She is always prepared for one or the other. My husband had walked out on me to be with his girlfriend and I was desperate to find the other set of keys because I wondered if he had taken them. I worried he would come take my car away - as a way to hurt me. I became frantic.
Then, one warm spring afternoon, I opened the back car door and there, laying on the floor, was the second set of car keys. Along with that, was a small suitcase filled with socks, underwear, a few cans of soup, many bottles of prescription pills (some of which are lethal to me), and money. Lots of money.
To this day, Smoke (who is 11) is always prepared for the world to end, or to dash away should someone try to hurt her. Smoke is not afraid of the dark nor does she believe there are demons in the closet or under the bed... Smoke knows that demons walk in thru the front door.
Ivory

4 comments:

beauty said...

I'm constantly losing or misplacing items, and I hate how that must make me look to the people in my life who don't know about my DID--or even to those who do know, but are too uncomfortable to discuss it with me.

Sounds like Smoke is pretty smart for an 11 year old. In her own way she is trying to help you, and help herself.

I'm sorry to hear about your hubby leaving you, I know that's a wound that goes deep.

I enjoy your blog! Thanks for stopping by mine.

Ivory said...

Thank you for your kind words.

I've told no one about my alters so most of my acquaintances just think I'm "flighty". That's okay, I'd rather they think that than know about me.

Kate said...

Hi Ivory,

I do believe that it is every multiple's right to decide who, how, and when to disclose.

However I feel so sad that you feel you can't disclose because you will be mistreated or rejected. That is just wrong that others do this to survivors of abuse who are multiple.

We understand why Smoke would act this way and believe these things. We think she is very brave. I hope that she feels safer by preparing for situations.

Good and healing thoughts to yous.

Kate

Ivory said...

Kate,
I don't know if Smoke will ever feel safe. Tho she and I are different in the way we think and behave, it's as if she is linked directly to my flight or fight center. Well, duh.

She reacts more strongly than the others to MY sense of fear, pain, and discomfort.

Feeling all the healing thots, thanks for caring.

Ivory