Sunday, July 6, 2014

4th of July

Another holiday spent by myself.  I tried to get my daughter to come down, but I knew she wouldn't - even before I asked.  I never even left the house on Friday. No reason to. I stayed downstairs with my small dog because she was afraid of all the noise. We watched TV.

I have spent the 3-day weekend trying to decipher why everyone I know can set personal boundaries and their family and friends still love them, but when I set boundaries, my family (don't have many friends) all turn on me. My boundaries weren't unreasonable.

I just didn't want to be used as their punching bag and I stood my ground when it came to my mother's dying wish. She wanted to go to my brother's house for the few days she had left. The rest of the family tried to go behind our backs and send her to a facility an hour away from most of us. I didn't let it happen. Now, I'm the "bad guy" in our universe. Wasn't invited to our family reunion, until the only brother who talks to me found out, then he made the other one text me an invite. It was a cold, uninviting invitation: Family reunion 7.10.14 city park.

Most of their behavior is in response to how oddly I respond/react to things, including them. They are not like a normal family and then they tell me that I am "odd".  Most families stand behind each other, lift each other up - not mine.

My family is like a dingo dog family. When one of us (mostly me) is weak or damaged, the others immediately attack to kill. I've seen them do it to each other, too. I've been attacked many times trying to stop the fray. If they see a weak spot, like when I cried because my husband left me, they all began to laugh and tell me it was me who ran him off; I had finally done him a favor; Cry Baby! - and so on. They are not nice people.

Actually, I haven't seen them for 2 years. Just talking to my one brother about them left me in a puddle of tears after he left. I cried for 2 days. I don't miss them - I miss what I thought we had because if I'm on their good side - life is fun and good.

I feel like wasted flesh. Like I'm not worth anything and I know that's how they want me to feel. But that IS how I feel, I just hide it from them. I'm such a blob of conflicting emotions. I can't wait for tomorrow so I can go to work. I'm who I want to be there. Not the person I really am, here.

Hope you all had a good holiday.


Sunday, February 9, 2014

Normal Isn't Really There

Well, "normal" didn't last too long.

I can't get over the feeling of such loss. I lost my mother a year ago last December. Along with her, I lost the whole family that I grew up with, it seems. I keep reading all the self talk stuff, but it's only that, talk.

There have been a few enlightening bits of information, tho. Just yesterday, I heard something on Pinterest (huge fan)  about it being the feeling of what used to be and not the people that I'm missing. That's true. So - very - true. But emptiness feels the same, no matter where it is generated from.

I still have my daughters. But they have their lives and I rarely hear from them. I feel so alone.


I'm watching the Beatles special and loving it -- and realizing how much of my life has been wasted or lost, or whatever. I also realize I'm depressed. Not in a good place. Haven't been for a very long time.

Seriously, I watched The Last Unicorn this afternoon and I cried all the way through it. Gosh, but what I realized is that I want so much for someone to care about me THAT way - and no one ever will. I wasted my life loving a man THAT way and he didn't care at all about me. What a fool. What a stupid, stupid fool.

Saturday, August 10, 2013

Is This What Normal Feels Like?

Wow. There has been no activity of "Colors" for the last month, or so. There has been a lot of stress at work as my counterpart quit her job. Still, though there is stress, there hasn't been a loss of time.

I'm happy right now, though still very lonely. I have a job, a house, and a dog. I have a couple of friends that are happy enough to stay at arms length and not become bosom buddies.

Life is good.

Wonder what is about to blow up my world...


Sunday, July 7, 2013

I Came Back, It Doesn't Feel the Same

I've been dealing with my mother's death. Interestingly, it's not her I miss, but my dad. I think I'm finally mourning him, but I miss him like crazy.

I actually cannot find the understanding to my brothers and sisters hatred towards me because Mom died. Seriously, I had nothing to do with it, it was natural causes, yet, there they are, hating me, blaming me. I just don't get it.

Meanwhile, here I am all alone and feeling like EVERYONE hates me, but I know that's not true. The feeling is just as hard to take tho.

Since Mom died a very strange thing has begun to happen. As long as she lived, I would try to "fix" everything she thinks I did wrong - but I was never good enough for her. I could never be "right", or pretty enough, or make her happy enough.

Now that she is gone, that feeling of inadequacy is beginning to drown itself in self respect. Sometimes, there are times of fear of who I am and being found out because of the DID, but aside from acute loneliness, I feel whole and I have a friend. She's married so we don't get together much, but we try to at least talk every week. Life, I hope, is beginning to get better.


Sunday, January 27, 2013

Didn't Think I Would Miss Her

It's been nearly 2 months since my mother died. She was never abusive to me, but she never really liked me - and it showed. I think sometimes she tried, or wanted to like me, or maybe she did like me sometimes, but it never lasted. She always gave me the impression that I owed her the attention I gave her.

That's not the way a child should feel.   Ever.

That's exactly how I feel. Only a few years ago, Mom admitted that I was the family "target". She told me I make a good one. Then she laughed.

After that I told my therapist, Mr. S, that when she passed, I would not miss her. But I do. I miss her. Just not the way you would expect. It's taken me the last two months to figure it out.

Because Mom treated me like she would an unwelcome neighbor kid, I was always standing somewhere in the room watching her with my siblings, living (literally) vicariously through their interactions with her, through their laughter, through their love from her. I don't remember ever wishing it were me on her lap or that the hug was mine, or the smile was proud of me - that was just how things were. Me, on the outside, always on the outside, watching.

Because of being DID, there are small ones who now don't know what to do with her absence. We aren't "done". We aren't "finished". We haven't had what we need to grow and mature. And now, there is no chance that it will happen. We will remain unfinished, undone. I don't know how to complete my childhood. There are so many questions. So many that will forever remain un"done".

I realized not long ago that I was not yet finished growing up and I tried so hard to repair all the wrongs between my mother and me - and between my siblings and me. There just wasn't enough time, and now, it's too late.

Interestingly, because of the death of my mother, I am finally able to grieve for my father. He loved me. Back when I was really a 10 year old, we didn't know I would be left alone and undone. I think he would have tried to fix things. I learned so much from him - we just didn't know.

I don't hate her. I wish I did.


Monday, December 24, 2012

Time Ran Out

My mother passed away only 2 weeks ago. Yes, she was in her 80s and she had some health problems, but she was finding a new way to enjoy each day. The assisted living apartment she lived in brought about a change in my mother that was a joy to see.

I had begun to believe there was hope for us to "fix" whatever it was that had created the crevice between us. Every moment I spent with her was one of walking on egg shells to be sure I never made things worse between us. Even so, there were days I knew that because I had stood up for myself or stood my ground, I was again, "the bad guy".

Still, with every passing weeks and months, I'd begun to get a nagging feeling that we wouldn't have enough time, not enough time for me to convince her that I'm not a bad person. I desperately needed for her to realize that I'm not a bad person.

My therapist has told me over the years that one thing I could do would be to prove my siblings wrong and eventually, Mom would see that what they had told her about me wasn't true. I believed Mr. S. I knew that it would work - if there was enough time.

Time ran out.

Within 2 weeks of taking her to the ER, she died. My siblings and I had a horrible fight in the hospital because I wanted to bring her home to spend her last days - as was her spoken wish when the doctors told her there was nothing more they could do for her. They, again, ganged up on me but finally, this one last time, I wasn't about to back down. It took its toll, tho. I was afraid they would spirit Mom away to a "facility" as they had said they would. I'm still horrified at that thot. They almost got away with it.

I cried all the way home from the hospital and all night. I was losing my mother before we were "finished" AND I was letting her down one more time by not being strong enough to grant her one last wish. And then the next morning my sister in law called to tell me that she and my brother had decided to fight for Mom, too. Now, we were three - three against three and two of those three held Power of Atty.

 But the next morning, as tears fell shamelessly all the way to the hospital, it dawned on me that the doctors had given my mother the option of a facility or going home. They knew she was in her right mind, thus making the Power of Atty paper, worthless. So when I walked into her room (all of them were already there), I spoke as if no one had discussed anything except for Mom going home. My brother and his wife stood by my side. The stress mom had felt about having all of us choose where she would spend her last few days/weeks had taken its toll on her, but her smile now told me that she was happy to be going home to my brother's house.

My sister in law is a wonderful and selfless person. She welcomed my mother into her home as if she were her own mother. I helped with her care, our children helped with her care. Two of my siblings refused to come visit or help care for Mom if I was there. Most of my life, I have stepped aside. Not this time.

Two very short days later, I stood by Mom's bedside discussing a few things with my brother. Mom's breathing suddenly changed, and we knew. My brother and I rushed to her and she turned towards us and reach out her hand to mind. I held her hand and begged her to try to take one more breath. My brother shed a multitude of tears as our mother breathed her last.

Two of our siblings were not there because of their pride and selfishness. That is their cross to bear and I am  already aware that it weighs heavily on my sister. They blame me for our mother's untimely death.

I know I am not responsible for her death. I was right where I wanted to be, even tho I knew their pride would keep them from her death bed. I also know they were having a lot of trouble coping with the suddenness of it all.

My biggest problem is that I wasn't done; I wasn't ready to be let go. My relationship with Mom was intentionally damaged by my siblings and there wasn't enough time to repair it. I'm afraid that Mom died thinking I was a bad person and now she will never know the truth. Time just ran out.